What’s the solution?

I think it would cost me a whole lot of time and a lot of text to explain what I’ve been doing this past time since my last post. I ended with SLP 10, but never continued with 11, I am aware of that, but the wonder lies also with me as to why I just couldn’t think of anymore SLP’s anymore. I loved those moments, but they’ve seemed to have disappeared. Or they haven’t, but I only seem to see them consciously when not doing too well and practically ‘need’ those moments to feel appreciated and happy again and when I am happy I take those moments for granted? Something like that.
Some things have changed this past few months, for better or worse, I can’t tell yet. Though I believe for better, or it is what I want to believe. And as I like to make lists, I’ll also make a list of the things that have been occupying my thoughts:

1. I got myself a boyfriend. Though I’m probably supposed to put a smiling emoticon after that first sentence, at the moment I can’t bring myself to do so. I am happy, don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly happy that the person I love, loves me too and I can tell how I’m starting to fall in love and how I never ever want to leave him or want him to leave me, but that’s the part that scares the hell out of me too. ‘I don’t think this is going to work out between us’, was what he told me last November and which has been wandering around my head ever since we started to date again a few months ago. I tried to express my fears about this to him, but I just can’t seem to tell him directly what it exactly is that’s still bothering me. It felt that for the past half year after we’d broken up it was only me who kept wanting him and he’d never spent a second thinking about me. But he loves me now, doesn’t he? That’s what he tells me and when it comes to love I’ve no reason to question his words or feelings. Or well with anything I can’t really doubt his honesty, because I do trust him. Still this past half year still seems to bother me and I don’t really know what to do about it. What also seems to stop me from putting that smiley, is because I can’t just go happy-go-lucky about this, because of my parents. This perhaps seems a bit off if I say it like this, but let me explain this. Perhaps it would be even possible to explain it in one sentence! I’ve got Asian parents.
   No? Not clear? (No, I’m not Chinese or Japanese, but since my heritage lies in India… And India lies in Asia too; Asian parents it is!) Anyway, if I’d try to explain this better; I’m not sure if my parents would approve of the fact that I’ve already been sleeping with this guy, even before we officially had a relationship to be honest, and since I can lie about this to my parents (or ‘twist the truth’ as I like to call it), since I’ve already have done these things a million times because I know how strict they are (usually then it was about the grades and such I got in high school), but my loved one already made clear that he couldn’t lie to their faces if they’d directly ask him the same question, this does make me stress a bit and does not make me too eager for the two parties to meet each other. I always feel terrible when I lie to my parents straight in the face, but I know that after some time I’ll ‘forget’ about it and I won’t feel too bad about it anymore, since that’s the way it has always been.
2. I’m a terrible friend. I’m not talking about how I’ve lost one of my friends a few months ago, because of arrogance, misunderstanding and pedantry, because there I’ve no regrets whatsoever about losing her, since I also don’t feel that the fault lies with me and I don’t miss her at all. When I say that I’m a terrible friend I allude to the fact how easily people can bore me and how I do like to be hang out with nice people, I don’t actually care that much about who it is I hang out with. Pretty much anyone of my friends would do. My boyfriend and my best friend are the only exceptions on this. I had more exceptions, but then it was me who got dumped and hurt by friends, so I decided to care just as little, to move on, wandering around meeting and bonding with new people and making new friends. So in the end it’s not my fault I’m ‘terrible’, I just haven’t found the right people yet (or is what le boyfriend says).
3. Food. ‘Have I gain weight?’, ‘Should I eat this?’, ‘Oh my, I’ve eaten a lot today, haven’t I?’, ‘Am I even hungry? Then I shouldn’t eat, right?’. Should I go on? I don’t even have the energy to do so. It just sucks, trust me.

As you’ve by now reached the end of this post, I’d like to apologize for you to have read this so not-happy post, though on the other hand it’s been your own decision to do so, so to be honest I don’t feel that sorry for you. It’s entirely different from the happy SLP’s I usually supplied you with, but these are the truths; I’m happy, but I still feel as hateable as ever. I probably just need some time for this feeling to melt away (and perhaps some good coffee would do me good too. What’s this with no coffee for almost a week? It’s driving me crazy), I’ll be fine. No worries :)

SLP 10: An End

Many things have happened this past week. Many happy things, but unfortunately also some sad things. The happy things include being loved by friends, family and a loved one and as a matter of fact it was the first time in my whole life someone told me he loved me. The sad happening is how my grandmother’s little sister suddenly past away.
So in her memory I do not wish to continue this post with my SLP’s, but to just leave it at this.

R.I.P. Grandma R. You’ll always be in our hearts, watch over us and guide us as we try to follow our paths.

SLP 9: Into the Rabbit Hole

28-05
‘I’m yours’. And I’m scared, incredibly scared, so these words mean the world to me. Just wait a little bit longer, so I’ll be able to give myself properly to you too.

29-05
A friend who cares enough about my well being to try to convince me to face one of my biggest fears, which is to open myself up to someone and love them

30-05
After failing a test I’d made that morning, I found myself wandering pretty lonely and uncomfortable. The attention I got from the guy I like and my best friend, even if it was just through texts and a call, meant the world to me and made the sun shine just a little bit more.
I love being loved, I believe my father was right when saying it’s the best feeling ever.

31-05
Surprise! My roommate was finally back! If only for a few hours though. I love how easy it was for me to connect with her. She made me feel very welcome and I even believe she likes me! No, I really do! She’s so nice!
31-05
Dear, sweet, kind brothers, thank you for loving me.

01-06
Exploring Rotterdam at night with my one of my dearest friends. I truly believe she’s one of the people in my life who genuinely cares about me.

02-06
Getting up early to see the sunrise at Rotterdam with my dear friend who spent the night.

02-06
View from the Euromast. It was so peaceful up there. I didn’t feel like taking pictures, I just wanted to stand still and look around. Didn’t even bother talking, I just wanted to look around with the sun shining on my face. Luckily my dear friend is very fond of taking pictures, so no credits for me for these ones :)

02-06|
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE AT THE ROTTERDAM RAVE PARTY. Wasn’t quite sober so that might have been the reason I didn’t mind dancing on my own most of the time. Just dancing nothing more. Don’t think, just dance.

03-06
Hey, I like you, you know that?

SLP 8: Live life, it’s lovely

21-05
Look what my brother gave me! He made this one himself, because of an assignment on one of his classes. I’m happy he thought about me when deciding who’s name to engrave in this nameplate. It’s now standing on my desk, to remind me how much I’m loved, if I’d ever doubt that.

22-05
I like how a guy I’ve recently befriended carelessly played with the paw of the cat on my bag. I think I’ve made a new friend! There was a lack of people in my life who cared the past time, but with him it’s different, it’s just… It’s good, you know?

23-05
Taking a stroll at the park. I’m there very often these days, because for one thing I live right beside it and also because it’s a perfect place to escape to when I’m sick of studying in my room and I want to enjoy the sun. I went there alone, I’m practically always alone these days, but still I don’t feel lonely. It must be because of the sunshine!

23-05
While I was walking in the park I spotted a guy who was reading a book and I wanted to ask him about it so badly, but I just didn’t have the guts for it! I’m stupid, aren’t I! Luckily my friend was sending me texts all the way to encourage me to talk to him anyway, which made me feel a little less stupid. Oh, now I remember again why we’re best friends, I thought to myself. Because she’d be the only one I’d have these ridiculous conversations with about some strangers we’d never met and whom we’d develop some weird kind of obsession with. It’s hilarious I tell you.“I hereby announce you to ‘Bookboy’. You’re agreeing, unknowingly with the possible consequences; imaging, stalking and all such.”

24-05
After a rough and depressive night I found in the morning that my honest, but depressive thoughts I’d expressed on another blog were very much appreciated and recognized by many others. It’s comforting to know you’re not standing alone.

24-05
New friend who shared his happiness with me, of discovering that one of his life goals, climbing the Kilimanjaro, is mentioned for a short moment in the movie ‘The Lion King’, as the mountain is visible for only a few seconds, which is enough to create a huge smile on his face and a happy heart.

25-05
Waking up with the sun shining in my room. Usually I always kept my curtains shut, because I don’t like waking up with light shining on my face. Or so I thought, because waking up in this matter actually felt pretty damn good!

25-05
When I was walking that afternoon through The Park I got hit up by some guy who kept flirting and asking me for something to drink. You may think I’m weird, but I do NOT like it when guys are trying to hit me up, which is the exact reason why I usually avoid eye contact with men I don’t know. So I think you can understand that my stroll that afternoon wasn’t as peaceful and fun as I’d hoped it would be, as I’d find myself almost running back to my room, because I wanted to get rid of the guy.
The stroll I’d taken later that evening was a whole different story though! Once again I was walking alone, but even though I saw a lot of people walking with friends or family, all dressed up on their way to have a nice evening, I didn’t feel lonely. I’d even bottled up the courage to ask a couple that was walking by to take a picture of me, which turned out pretty awesome if you ask me, so that simple stroll made my whole day perfect! I was reminded what it was like to feel peaceful and be happy and the best part of it is that I didn’t need anyone for it, just being with me was enough to create these amazing feelings.
I’m still in dilemma whether or not to post the said picture. Maybe I’ll add it? What do you think, would you like to see it? :)

25-05
There’s this pass you can purchase in my city for a low price through which you can visit a lot of places for free or at discount. By these you must think about cinema’s, touristic spots, restaurants, museums and many more. I have this recently purchased this pass and when I asked a friend if he’d had one, so we could perhaps do something together, he told me that he didn’t, but after hearing from me what kind of things we could do, he said he would purchase one! Wow! I’m not used to people actually doing such a thing just because I ask them for it! That he’s willing to purchase this pass just so we could do something together (and of course there are many other things he could do with other friends, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s all about me), makes me so incredibly happy!

26-05
My parents who decided to stop by just when I was feeling lonely and desiring a hug. Talking about timing! Even when they’re about 100km’s away they still feel what I need the most.

27-05
‘Sunrise 5.30am! Crazy enough to join me? :p’, and he was. I had the most unexpected, wonderful, crazy, but oh so good night/morning/noon since well, ever. There were many ‘firsts’ for me, like for one thing it was the first time in my life I actually watched the sunrise with someone, the first time sleeping with someone and many other things, but I’d like to keep those other things to myself.

SLP 7: Sunshine

14/05
You remember the guy I mentioned before? We had dinner today when having a little housewarming party at my room by ourselves. He did keep his promise, which kind of surprised me, because I know how good he is at not keeping them. I realized again why I felt so comfortable around him and why I ever saw him as a friend anyway. I wasn’t that weak of a person that I just wanted to be around him for the complements he gave me; I honestly couldn’t care less about those, but it’s the comfortable feeling of being accepted, almost like being ‘home’ that he’s supplied me with ever since I got to know him, that attracts me towards him, even if it’s just as friends. I’m happy that this whole thing is now finally solved.

14/05
To manage not to throw up my food on purpose and being able to talk about it afterwards with a friend and not being judged about it. I must be doing well these days if I don’t have to do those things anymore!

16/05:
‘I like your hat! It matches the style of the rest of your outfit too!’ YOU’RE SO KIND! Yes, I have my own style!

17/05
Taking a walk after sitting in my room for quite a while. Though it started out bad, with my secret garden being closed and seeing loveydovey couples everywhere (Is it Valentine’s Day? NO! So get the fuck off!), but when I almost reached the end of my stroll my best friend easily made me laugh through the texts we exchanged and I also saw two cute guys! One of them lives in the building across from mine and the other guy lives in the same building as mine! Hehe, that makes up for pretty much everything.

18/05
Taking a stroll in the park with the sun shining bright. Just walking and looking around, nothing more. The first picture of this post was taken during my stroll.

18/05 
Cooking an incredibly colourful dinner with a friend; Fried rice with egg, red and green paprikas and tofu. Just looking at it every time I took a bite made me smile! I love colourful food! I really really really love it!

This picture isn’t that very special as I believe to have read this quote many times before, but I still took it when I saw it. Usually when reading such a quote I’d think to myself ‘Yeah, that must have been a preeeettyy looooong time ago’, because I’m not that adventures, but lately I did have many big things happening in my life! Ironic, isn’t it, that suddenly this comes up my path almost forcing me to see how incredible my life is going and how I should appreciate and capture every single happy moment, big or small.

SLP 6 – Just a bit of happiness, please

07/05
Discovering a secret garden near my room. I really do believe that it’s secret, but that doesn’t stop me of telling the world about it as the place is just too lovely to not share it with others. I want to go there again, as soon as possible!
08/05
Getting my driver’s license. I couldn’t believe that I did it! When I started to learn to drive I thought it was impossible for me to ever get my license, but now I actually did it. Wow. I couldn’t believe it, I still can’t believe it!
08/05
My brother who came by my room to have dinner together and totally treated me like a princess to celebrate getting  my driver’s license. He brought us delicious buns, cupcakes and a whoopie pie to celebrate it with, it was lovely.
09/05
Not failing a test of which I thought beforehand that I’d fail and feeling incredibly zen and peaceful in the evening while chatting with my parents on the phone, cooking in my room and almost falling asleep on my couch because everything just felt too perfect.
13/05
The look on my mother’s face when I surprised her not only with pancakes, cakes and other yummie homemade food on her birthday (and Mother’s Day on the same day!), but also with a dress of which she hadn’t expected at all to get and which she loved. I like making people happy this way, if only for that look on her face and those feelings, it means the world to me.

I’m late!

My driving instructor always said that I drive like I’m in a hurry. I know I drive that way, because that’s how I am with everything. I always feel like I’m in a hurry and I’m out of time. But how come actually? It only works negatively, because of it I can never do things calmly and enjoy them. Not always, I must admit, but most of the time I do feel like I’m in a hurry. When reading the story of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ I always associated myself with the rabbit who continually said ‘I’m late! I’m late!’. That’s how I feel too; I’m always too late, I’m always in a rush, there’s always too much that I have to do and too little time to do it, which results into me doing things fast and not enjoying them fully.
A friend once said that I don’t seem like a person who’s used to working. This proves that she’s never seen my true nature. My true nature is fast, always. Probably because that’s how I’ve been raised? To do things quick? I don’t like others to do things I’ve been assigned to, so when it comes to things I’m responsible for I do them myself, fast always, like I’m in a hurry, feeling like I’ve got something or someone on my trail. I think my friend thought of me that way because when I’m with others I’m holding myself back, because I don’t want to scare them with the look in my eyes that says ‘HURRY!’ and my fast movements. You know, actually in a way it was true that I had a lot to do and a lot to worry about, and especially lately, so then it actually isn’t that surprising that it was hard for me to relax sometimes was it?
That period is the past though as things are different now in this short period I got my propaedeutic, I’ve moved out and I’ve gotten my driver’s license. Getting my propaedeutic means that the pressure of getting kicked out of medical school is finally over, moving out means that I don’t have to spend that much time traveling anymore and getting my driver’s license this means that I finally don’t have to spend so much time every week anymore on driving lessons. So I’m not in a rush anymore, or should I say, I shouldn’t be. Old habits die hard, so now I actually have to try to be peaceful and accept that I do have enough time and I do have everything under control and I’m not in a rush.
But when will I finally accept this then?

I’m going to stop worrying about the time, about having not enough of it, and just enjoy every moment calmly. I’m going to start standing still and looking around, more than I already did, as now I’m going to do it properly. I’m going to accept that everything is what it is.
Festina Lente; Make haste slowly.

I’m not late.

SLP 5: A Cup of Cake

30/04
Reading a blog from a girl who expresses herself the way I wish I could. It’s  nice to read how someone can still express herself so deeply, while I still seem to struggle with it. She inspires me to keep trying until I am able to. Thank you, Eleanor.
01/05
Little girl in the train while I was travelling to my room to spend the night there for the first time. Her mother was too busy playing with her phone so the girl drew all her attention to me, who was sitting diagonally behind her and did about everything to draw my attention to her. She succeeded, easily.
02/05
My mother who came to visit me in my room and not only we did some grocery shopping together, before I went to make my exam, but also when I came back she surprised me with preparing one of my favorite vegetables: broccoli and tofu, which I love to eat too, but because my siblings and parents aren’t too fond of we don’t eat it a lot at home. Now I’ve moved out I can eat as much tofu as I want!
02/05
After I found out there was something wrong with my connection to the internet I was actually pretty bummed out. Then I found how peaceful it actually was. I felt incredibly zen~.
02/05
My brother who texted me good night just when I was preparing to go to bed too. I’d like to call this serendipity.
04/05
Guy who was walking behind me with a trolley and though I didn’t know the guy at all he acted like he was ‘The monster on wheels’ and joked around with me. He was so funny!
04/05
My friends who came to visit me and we had an improvisation house warming at my new place. Their presence made the place feel a little more like home to me.
05/05
My wonderful parents and brothers who worked their ass of helping me with decorating my room, which include putting all of the IKEA furniture together. I was so tired, but so satisfied and happy at the same time.

SLP 4: I am loved

25/04
Today I went for a quick visit in my new room. I felt the tears in my eyes as I was staring outside the window; this is going to be my new life.
25/04
After the visit, when just walking around, I started to run and jump up and down. I felt like flying! I felt great! I felt awesome! I felt alive!
26/04
Textmessage from a friend: “Mich, we really have to stay friends forever!”
She was drinking tea at a cute shop while studying and was feeling very zen and cool and knew that I’d understand just exactly how she felt. It feels amazing that a person could have such lovely thoughts about me! I love her, we are we.
27/04
Twirling in my room, pretending it’s summer and I’m picnicking in the park with friends. Afterwards when quietly sitting down again and continuing my studies I suddenly see a rainbow outside my window. Though the two happenings might seem to have nothing to do with each other, when seeing the rainbow I started to think back about my worries what could happen when I’m moving out and I’ll be living on my own and I believe this to be a sign that everything is going to be alright.
28/04
My lovely parents already went to my room today themselves, because I couldn’t come with them, for I have a test to prepare for. They already did some of the preparations it and did a lot of grocery shopping for me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself anymore. They’re just so so lovely.

28/04
My brother gave me a mug where you can put fresh tea leaves in. It has cats on it! I have a special connection with cats: 1. My parents sometimes call me ‘cat’, as I sometimes have the bitchy attitude of one. In my new room they won’t be there anymore to call me by that nickname. 2. Besides that I can sometimes be bitchy, I love to cuddle too, which is another cat-like feature of me. I think that should I be reborn as an animal, or if I’d ever turn into an animal, I’d like to turn into a cat! 3. Do you remember I cosplayed as Hello Kitty when I went to Tsunacon? It’s an animecon that was held in the Netherlands a few months ago. Yes, the cat really is perfect for me!
Did I mention I’m surrounded by the most wonderful people?

SLP 3: See beauty, feel beauty, be beauty

16/04
Got a call and now I’ve been choosed for the room! I’m moving out! What I like about this, is that my new roommate could have chosen others beside me, but still choose me! Wow, I’m incredibly happy! Now my whole life is going to change! I’m going to be a Rotterdammer!!
16/04
I got my propeadeutics! I studied so hard for the final test and I’d been stressing out a lot, but in the end it was all worth it! Now I can’t get kicked out of this study anymore! I’m a medschool student!
16/04
My parents who hugged and congratulated me when they heard the two big things in my life.
16/04
A phonecall from a friend who stayed up with me in the middle of the night who actually wanted to talk about her worries, but still let me blab about my happiness first, because I was so excited and because she loves me she was excited for me.
17/04
Breakfast with a lovely friend who is one of the most sweetest and kindest people I know. I love how people can be so happy for you, just because they care so much.
19/04
Dancing at a party with friends. When I signed my rental contract for my new room that morning I felt like crying. I’d felt like that for almost the whole day until that night when my friends and I went out for a party and we just started to dance. It felt so good to just dance and not think about anything, not care about anything. Some times it felt like the time had stopped for a second and then started again. It felt really good.
Or I was just a bit tipsy and that’s why I felt a couple of times like time had stopped. Either way I felt awesome!
22/04 
I didn’t know what colour to choose to paint the walls of my new room with, so I just went to the store to decide on the spot. There I discovered a colour called ‘beauty’, which was a very light shade of pink. Normally I’m not too fond of pink and also my mother started to laugh at me when she saw the colour I’d chosen, but this time it was different. I choose it because of the name and not necessarily because of the colour. This colour ‘beauty’ describes perfectly how I want to live my life; with beauty. See beauty, feel beauty, be beauty.