SLP 10: An End

Many things have happened this past week. Many happy things, but unfortunately also some sad things. The happy things include being loved by friends, family and a loved one and as a matter of fact it was the first time in my whole life someone told me he loved me. The sad happening is how my grandmother’s little sister suddenly past away.
So in her memory I do not wish to continue this post with my SLP’s, but to just leave it at this.

R.I.P. Grandma R. You’ll always be in our hearts, watch over us and guide us as we try to follow our paths.

SLP 9: Into the Rabbit Hole

28-05
‘I’m yours’. And I’m scared, incredibly scared, so these words mean the world to me. Just wait a little bit longer, so I’ll be able to give myself properly to you too.

29-05
A friend who cares enough about my well being to try to convince me to face one of my biggest fears, which is to open myself up to someone and love them

30-05
After failing a test I’d made that morning, I found myself wandering pretty lonely and uncomfortable. The attention I got from the guy I like and my best friend, even if it was just through texts and a call, meant the world to me and made the sun shine just a little bit more.
I love being loved, I believe my father was right when saying it’s the best feeling ever.

31-05
Surprise! My roommate was finally back! If only for a few hours though. I love how easy it was for me to connect with her. She made me feel very welcome and I even believe she likes me! No, I really do! She’s so nice!
31-05
Dear, sweet, kind brothers, thank you for loving me.


01-06

Exploring Rotterdam at night with my one of my dearest friends. I truly believe she’s one of the people in my life who genuinely cares about me.


02-06

Getting up early to see the sunrise at Rotterdam with my dear friend who spent the night.

02-06
View from the Euromast. It was so peaceful up there. I didn’t feel like taking pictures, I just wanted to stand still and look around. Didn’t even bother talking, I just wanted to look around with the sun shining on my face. Luckily my dear friend is very fond of taking pictures, so no credits for me for these ones :)

02-06|
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE AT THE ROTTERDAM RAVE PARTY. Wasn’t quite sober so that might have been the reason I didn’t mind dancing on my own most of the time. Just dancing nothing more. Don’t think, just dance.

03-06
Hey, I like you, you know that?

SLP 8: Live life, it’s lovely


21-05

Look what my brother gave me! He made this one himself, because of an assignment on one of his classes. I’m happy he thought about me when deciding who’s name to engrave in this nameplate. It’s now standing on my desk, to remind me how much I’m loved, if I’d ever doubt that.

22-05
I like how a guy I’ve recently befriended carelessly played with the paw of the cat on my bag. I think I’ve made a new friend! There was a lack of people in my life who cared the past time, but with him it’s different, it’s just… It’s good, you know?


23-05

Taking a stroll at the park. I’m there very often these days, because for one thing I live right beside it and also because it’s a perfect place to escape to when I’m sick of studying in my room and I want to enjoy the sun. I went there alone, I’m practically always alone these days, but still I don’t feel lonely. It must be because of the sunshine!

23-05
While I was walking in the park I spotted a guy who was reading a book and I wanted to ask him about it so badly, but I just didn’t have the guts for it! I’m stupid, aren’t I! Luckily my friend was sending me texts all the way to encourage me to talk to him anyway, which made me feel a little less stupid. Oh, now I remember again why we’re best friends, I thought to myself. Because she’d be the only one I’d have these ridiculous conversations with about some strangers we’d never met and whom we’d develop some weird kind of obsession with. It’s hilarious I tell you.“I hereby announce you to ‘Bookboy’. You’re agreeing, unknowingly with the possible consequences; imaging, stalking and all such.”

24-05
After a rough and depressive night I found in the morning that my honest, but depressive thoughts I’d expressed on another blog were very much appreciated and recognized by many others. It’s comforting to know you’re not standing alone.

24-05
New friend who shared his happiness with me, of discovering that one of his life goals, climbing the Kilimanjaro, is mentioned for a short moment in the movie ‘The Lion King’, as the mountain is visible for only a few seconds, which is enough to create a huge smile on his face and a happy heart.

25-05
Waking up with the sun shining in my room. Usually I always kept my curtains shut, because I don’t like waking up with light shining on my face. Or so I thought, because waking up in this matter actually felt pretty damn good!

25-05
When I was walking that afternoon through The Park I got hit up by some guy who kept flirting and asking me for something to drink. You may think I’m weird, but I do NOT like it when guys are trying to hit me up, which is the exact reason why I usually avoid eye contact with men I don’t know. So I think you can understand that my stroll that afternoon wasn’t as peaceful and fun as I’d hoped it would be, as I’d find myself almost running back to my room, because I wanted to get rid of the guy.
The stroll I’d taken later that evening was a whole different story though! Once again I was walking alone, but even though I saw a lot of people walking with friends or family, all dressed up on their way to have a nice evening, I didn’t feel lonely. I’d even bottled up the courage to ask a couple that was walking by to take a picture of me, which turned out pretty awesome if you ask me, so that simple stroll made my whole day perfect! I was reminded what it was like to feel peaceful and be happy and the best part of it is that I didn’t need anyone for it, just being with me was enough to create these amazing feelings.
I’m still in dilemma whether or not to post the said picture. Maybe I’ll add it? What do you think, would you like to see it? :)

25-05
There’s this pass you can purchase in my city for a low price through which you can visit a lot of places for free or at discount. By these you must think about cinema’s, touristic spots, restaurants, museums and many more. I have this recently purchased this pass and when I asked a friend if he’d had one, so we could perhaps do something together, he told me that he didn’t, but after hearing from me what kind of things we could do, he said he would purchase one! Wow! I’m not used to people actually doing such a thing just because I ask them for it! That he’s willing to purchase this pass just so we could do something together (and of course there are many other things he could do with other friends, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s all about me), makes me so incredibly happy!

26-05
My parents who decided to stop by just when I was feeling lonely and desiring a hug. Talking about timing! Even when they’re about 100km’s away they still feel what I need the most.


27-05

‘Sunrise 5.30am! Crazy enough to join me? :p’, and he was. I had the most unexpected, wonderful, crazy, but oh so good night/morning/noon since well, ever. There were many ‘firsts’ for me, like for one thing it was the first time in my life I actually watched the sunrise with someone, the first time sleeping with someone and many other things, but I’d like to keep those other things to myself.

SLP 6 – Just a bit of happiness, please

07/05
Discovering a secret garden near my room. I really do believe that it’s secret, but that doesn’t stop me of telling the world about it as the place is just too lovely to not share it with others. I want to go there again, as soon as possible!
08/05
Getting my driver’s license. I couldn’t believe that I did it! When I started to learn to drive I thought it was impossible for me to ever get my license, but now I actually did it. Wow. I couldn’t believe it, I still can’t believe it!
08/05
My brother who came by my room to have dinner together and totally treated me like a princess to celebrate getting  my driver’s license. He brought us delicious buns, cupcakes and a whoopie pie to celebrate it with, it was lovely.
09/05
Not failing a test of which I thought beforehand that I’d fail and feeling incredibly zen and peaceful in the evening while chatting with my parents on the phone, cooking in my room and almost falling asleep on my couch because everything just felt too perfect.
13/05
The look on my mother’s face when I surprised her not only with pancakes, cakes and other yummie homemade food on her birthday (and Mother’s Day on the same day!), but also with a dress of which she hadn’t expected at all to get and which she loved. I like making people happy this way, if only for that look on her face and those feelings, it means the world to me.

SLP 5: A Cup of Cake

30/04
Reading a blog from a girl who expresses herself the way I wish I could. It’s  nice to read how someone can still express herself so deeply, while I still seem to struggle with it. She inspires me to keep trying until I am able to. Thank you, Eleanor.
01/05
Little girl in the train while I was travelling to my room to spend the night there for the first time. Her mother was too busy playing with her phone so the girl drew all her attention to me, who was sitting diagonally behind her and did about everything to draw my attention to her. She succeeded, easily.
02/05
My mother who came to visit me in my room and not only we did some grocery shopping together, before I went to make my exam, but also when I came back she surprised me with preparing one of my favorite vegetables: broccoli and tofu, which I love to eat too, but because my siblings and parents aren’t too fond of we don’t eat it a lot at home. Now I’ve moved out I can eat as much tofu as I want!
02/05
After I found out there was something wrong with my connection to the internet I was actually pretty bummed out. Then I found how peaceful it actually was. I felt incredibly zen~.
02/05
My brother who texted me good night just when I was preparing to go to bed too. I’d like to call this serendipity.
04/05
Guy who was walking behind me with a trolley and though I didn’t know the guy at all he acted like he was ‘The monster on wheels’ and joked around with me. He was so funny!
04/05
My friends who came to visit me and we had an improvisation house warming at my new place. Their presence made the place feel a little more like home to me.
05/05
My wonderful parents and brothers who worked their ass of helping me with decorating my room, which include putting all of the IKEA furniture together. I was so tired, but so satisfied and happy at the same time.

SLP 4: I am loved


25/04
Today I went for a quick visit in my new room. I felt the tears in my eyes as I was staring outside the window; this is going to be my new life.
25/04
After the visit, when just walking around, I started to run and jump up and down. I felt like flying! I felt great! I felt awesome! I felt alive!
26/04
Textmessage from a friend: “Mich, we really have to stay friends forever!”
She was drinking tea at a cute shop while studying and was feeling very zen and cool and knew that I’d understand just exactly how she felt. It feels amazing that a person could have such lovely thoughts about me! I love her, we are we.
27/04
Twirling in my room, pretending it’s summer and I’m picnicking in the park with friends. Afterwards when quietly sitting down again and continuing my studies I suddenly see a rainbow outside my window. Though the two happenings might seem to have nothing to do with each other, when seeing the rainbow I started to think back about my worries what could happen when I’m moving out and I’ll be living on my own and I believe this to be a sign that everything is going to be alright.
28/04
My lovely parents already went to my room today themselves, because I couldn’t come with them, for I have a test to prepare for. They already did some of the preparations it and did a lot of grocery shopping for me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself anymore. They’re just so so lovely.


28/04
My brother gave me a mug where you can put fresh tea leaves in. It has cats on it! I have a special connection with cats: 1. My parents sometimes call me ‘cat’, as I sometimes have the bitchy attitude of one. In my new room they won’t be there anymore to call me by that nickname. 2. Besides that I can sometimes be bitchy, I love to cuddle too, which is another cat-like feature of me. I think that should I be reborn as an animal, or if I’d ever turn into an animal, I’d like to turn into a cat! 3. Do you remember I cosplayed as Hello Kitty when I went to Tsunacon? It’s an animecon that was held in the Netherlands a few months ago. Yes, the cat really is perfect for me!
Did I mention I’m surrounded by the most wonderful people?

SLP 3: See beauty, feel beauty, be beauty


16/04

Got a call and now I’ve been choosed for the room! I’m moving out! What I like about this, is that my new roommate could have chosen others beside me, but still choose me! Wow, I’m incredibly happy! Now my whole life is going to change! I’m going to be a Rotterdammer!!
16/04
I got my propeadeutics! I studied so hard for the final test and I’d been stressing out a lot, but in the end it was all worth it! Now I can’t get kicked out of this study anymore! I’m a medschool student!
16/04
My parents who hugged and congratulated me when they heard the two big things in my life.
16/04
A phonecall from a friend who stayed up with me in the middle of the night who actually wanted to talk about her worries, but still let me blab about my happiness first, because I was so excited and because she loves me she was excited for me.
17/04
Breakfast with a lovely friend who is one of the most sweetest and kindest people I know. I love how people can be so happy for you, just because they care so much.
19/04
Dancing at a party with friends. When I signed my rental contract for my new room that morning I felt like crying. I’d felt like that for almost the whole day until that night when my friends and I went out for a party and we just started to dance. It felt so good to just dance and not think about anything, not care about anything. Some times it felt like the time had stopped for a second and then started again. It felt really good.
Or I was just a bit tipsy and that’s why I felt a couple of times like time had stopped. Either way I felt awesome!
22/04 
I didn’t know what colour to choose to paint the walls of my new room with, so I just went to the store to decide on the spot. There I discovered a colour called ‘beauty’, which was a very light shade of pink. Normally I’m not too fond of pink and also my mother started to laugh at me when she saw the colour I’d chosen, but this time it was different. I choose it because of the name and not necessarily because of the colour. This colour ‘beauty’ describes perfectly how I want to live my life; with beauty. See beauty, feel beauty, be beauty. 

Monday Night; 2nd of May, 2011

It’s night and I hear my mother scream. I immediately get up and my first thought is: ‘It’s back again’. While I run downstairs I can see my mother running down the stairs going into the living room. I’m confused because I had expected her to be in the bathroom. What’s happened if that what I had thought had happened, didn’t happen? Then what did? My parents room is lit and I see my brothers standing outside their rooms too. I see my father coming out of my parents room and he sees the question written on my face. ‘Your aunt has passed away’, he tells me. Mother needs me, is the first thought that comes up in my mind and I run downstairs to the living room. I see my mother crying and screaming, but there’s nothing I can do for her then to hold her. We can’t sit down because she keeps sitting up and down. She wants to get her coat to go outside, but I don’t want her to leave because I think she’s going mad. ‘Uncle’s coming to pick me up to go together’, she tells me and I allow her to get her jacket. Meanwhile we’re sitting on the couch, while I’m holding her in my arms. In the whole time I haven’t felt anything. I have an internship to go to tomorrow, crosses my mind, but it’s already late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I should go to bed, shouldn’t I? I see my brother coming downstairs and he walks towards us. For a second I leave my mother as I walk towards him. ‘Mother needs you’, I tell him and I go to bed again. I only allow one tear to leave my eyes before I fell asleep. 

The next morning the sun is shining again. I don’t see anyone at home, so it’s almost like nothing had happened. Was it all a dream? Maybe nothing had happened last night and it was just my imagination. I still don’t feel anything. ‘My aunt has passed away, but I don’t know what I should do or feel. I’m confused’, I text my best friend. After that I close my mind again and I go to the hospital where I have my internship. The whole day is filled with interesting and new things and I learn a lot. Though I don’t know if I’m allowed to, and I normally don’t do it while I’m at the hospital, I keep my mobile phone in my pocket the whole time while I was sitting next to the doctors and observing how they did their jobs. A couple of times the subject ‘death’ comes up, but still I can’t manage myself to tell the doctor ‘My aunt has passed away last night’. No, that would make it real. We can’t have that happen can we? Only now we can still pretend nothing has happened. No one has passed away, nothing has happened last night, it was just a regular night, nothing has happened, it’s all okay. During lunch break I call my father to find out how my mother was doing and he tells me she still isn’t home yet and he hadn’t heard from her. I feel the tears coming up, but I manage to suppress them and I end the conversation. The rest of my internship that day is just as emotionless as it was in the morning; I do what I have to do and I go home again. On my way home I can’t think about anything so I just stare outside the window. At home I see my father and my brother who were already at home. I greet them with a smile and walk upstairs to my room. My curtains are closed so my room is dark. ‘And now?’, I ask myself. I text the same friend I had texted in the morning to ask her if it was a right time for her to call her and she immediately calls me back. We talk for a while and I explain her the situation. Finally I cry. All of those tears that had been bottled up inside the whole day finally come out. I about scream because of the pain I’m feeling. I have never felt like that before. We make an arrangement that she would come to visit me that weekend after my aunt’s funeral and that promise makes me calm down. I know beforehand that I would need my friend afterwards to cry on her shoulder, because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I’m happy that I have a friend like her whom I could trust upon in such times when I felt so miserable, lonely, confused and sad. In a way I manage to get through that week while taking care of my mother, studying and not crying. For a while I don’t want to be selfish, because I know that my mother was the one who needs me more than I need her. I know that in that weekend after my aunt’s funeral I would have my best friend by my side and I could finally let all of my emotions loose. That would be the time for me to be selfish and to cry, but not now, now I had to care for my mother. My time to be cared for would come, I was sure of that.
The day of the funeral approaches and finally I’m able to cry again while supporting my mother and my other relatives. When I go home again I receive a text message from my friend, saying she wouldn’t be there that day, but the day after. I trust her, so I patiently wait for her to come the day after. ‘I thought you said she’d come today’, my parents ask. ‘Yes, but her planning wasn’t made properly, so she’ll be here tomorrow’. Tomorrow would be my time, it would be finally be my time to be selfish and to cry in someone’s arms. I don’t want to bother my brothers with my pain, because I know they felt that same pain and I don’t want to hurt them even more. Therefore I put all my trust in my friend, she would come the next day, I was sure of it, because she’d said so herself. Tomorrow came and I get a text again. She had overslept and because of the travelling time she choose not to come anymore. It feels like someone had slapped me in the face. No, it was more like I was stabbed in my heart. After exchanging some text messages again she decides she wants to come after all, but it’s the same time that I decide that I don’t want to see her anymore. I have already enough going on in my mind and my heart, so I don’t want this to add up on it too.
My head and my heart have been locked ever since. I was only able to talk about it with those who had been through comparable situations. Only in superficial ways though; still I wasn’t able to tell anyone what had happened besides my aunt’s death and being left by my best friend. Though I still don’t know if it was the right decision, but because I was hurt and confused I did tell some people about how I was being left in my most weakest time by one of the persons I’d trust most. I never talk bad about my friends to others, but this time I was too hurt in many ways that I had to get it off my chest. Besides that, many other things had happened that nowadays still aren’t solved and which we have in the back of our mind everyday. Sometimes I think it’s a bit stupid that I’m still not over what has happened, because it was such a long time ago. It’s like the more time that passes the more I tell myself I can’t be sad about it anymore and I should accept it and deal with it. I have tried, but I can’t, not by myself, no. Last December was the day when she was supposed to celebrate her birthday and only my mother was able to cry openly about it. I only cried at night when no one saw me or knew about my pain. I couldn’t talk about everything, but I did open up about certain things to one of my friends. That period was also the first time in my life that someone stayed up at night to talk to me. Just small talk, but it was all meant as a consolation. It comforts me to know that even when I think I’m overreacting and I should stop there are people who think I’m not and that I am allowed to feel how I feel.

Only one and a half month and it’s been a years since it happened. It’s on the same day I have a retake of an exam. I wonder who I’ll choose to trust upon this time. Maybe no one.

I have to play this song silently, because I know my mother won’t be able to handle hearing this song that was played during the funeral. Though this song makes my mother cry, it only makes me calm down and happy when hearing it. If someone would be so kind to translate the lyrics for me, please let me know.