What’s the solution?

I think it would cost me a whole lot of time and a lot of text to explain what I’ve been doing this past time since my last post. I ended with SLP 10, but never continued with 11, I am aware of that, but the wonder lies also with me as to why I just couldn’t think of anymore SLP’s anymore. I loved those moments, but they’ve seemed to have disappeared. Or they haven’t, but I only seem to see them consciously when not doing too well and practically ‘need’ those moments to feel appreciated and happy again and when I am happy I take those moments for granted? Something like that.
Some things have changed this past few months, for better or worse, I can’t tell yet. Though I believe for better, or it is what I want to believe. And as I like to make lists, I’ll also make a list of the things that have been occupying my thoughts:

  1. I got myself a boyfriend. Though I’m probably supposed to put a smiling emoticon after that first sentence, at the moment I can’t bring myself to do so. I am happy, don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly happy that the person I love, loves me too and I can tell how I’m starting to fall in love and how I never ever want to leave him or want him to leave me, but that’s the part that scares the hell out of me too. ‘I don’t think this is going to work out between us’, was what he told me last November and which has been wandering around my head ever since we started to date again a few months ago. I tried to express my fears about this to him, but I just can’t seem to tell him directly what it exactly is that’s still bothering me. It felt that for the past half year after we’d broken up it was only me who kept wanting him and he’d never spent a second thinking about me. But he loves me now, doesn’t he? That’s what he tells me and when it comes to love I’ve no reason to question his words or feelings. Or well with anything I can’t really doubt his honesty, because I do trust him. Still this past half year still seems to bother me and I don’t really know what to do about it. What also seems to stop me from putting that smiley, is because I can’t just go happy-go-lucky about this, because of my parents. This perhaps seems a bit off if I say it like this, but let me explain this. Perhaps it would be even possible to explain it in one sentence! I’ve got Asian parents.
    No? Not clear? (No, I’m not Chinese or Japanese, but since my heritage lies in India… And India lies in Asia too; Asian parents it is!) Anyway, if I’d try to explain this better; I’m not sure if my parents would approve of the fact that I’ve already been sleeping with this guy, even before we officially had a relationship to be honest, and since I can lie about this to my parents (or ‘twist the truth’ as I like to call it), since I’ve already have done these things a million times because I know how strict they are (usually then it was about the grades and such I got in high school), but my loved one already made clear that he couldn’t lie to their faces if they’d directly ask him the same question, this does make me stress a bit and does not make me too eager for the two parties to meet each other. I always feel terrible when I lie to my parents straight in the face, but I know that after some time I’ll ‘forget’ about it and I won’t feel too bad about it anymore, since that’s the way it has always been.
  2. I’m a terrible friend. I’m not talking about how I’ve lost one of my friends a few months ago, because of arrogance, misunderstanding and pedantry, because there I’ve no regrets whatsoever about losing her, since I also don’t feel that the fault lies with me and I don’t miss her at all. When I say that I’m a terrible friend I allude to the fact how easily people can bore me and how I do like to be hang out with nice people, I don’t actually care that much about who it is I hang out with. Pretty much anyone of my friends would do. My boyfriend and my best friend are the only exceptions on this. I had more exceptions, but then it was me who got dumped and hurt by friends, so I decided to care just as little, to move on, wandering around meeting and bonding with new people and making new friends. So in the end it’s not my fault I’m ‘terrible’, I just haven’t found the right people yet (or is what le boyfriend says).
  3. Food. ‘Have I gain weight?’, ‘Should I eat this?’, ‘Oh my, I’ve eaten a lot today, haven’t I?’, ‘Am I even hungry? Then I shouldn’t eat, right?’. Should I go on? I don’t even have the energy to do so. It just sucks, trust me.

As you’ve by now reached the end of this post, I’d like to apologize for you to have read this so not-happy post, though on the other hand it’s been your own decision to do so, so to be honest I don’t feel that sorry for you. It’s entirely different from the happy SLP’s I usually supplied you with, but these are the truths; I’m happy, but I still feel as hateable as ever. I probably just need some time for this feeling to melt away (and perhaps some good coffee would do me good too. What’s this with no coffee for almost a week? It’s driving me crazy), I’ll be fine. No worries :)

Advertisements

Monday Night; 2nd of May, 2011

It’s night and I hear my mother scream. I immediately get up and my first thought is: ‘It’s back again’. While I run downstairs I can see my mother running down the stairs going into the living room. I’m confused because I had expected her to be in the bathroom. What’s happened if that what I had thought had happened, didn’t happen? Then what did? My parents room is lit and I see my brothers standing outside their rooms too. I see my father coming out of my parents room and he sees the question written on my face. ‘Your aunt has passed away’, he tells me. Mother needs me, is the first thought that comes up in my mind and I run downstairs to the living room. I see my mother crying and screaming, but there’s nothing I can do for her then to hold her. We can’t sit down because she keeps sitting up and down. She wants to get her coat to go outside, but I don’t want her to leave because I think she’s going mad. ‘Uncle’s coming to pick me up to go together’, she tells me and I allow her to get her jacket. Meanwhile we’re sitting on the couch, while I’m holding her in my arms. In the whole time I haven’t felt anything. I have an internship to go to tomorrow, crosses my mind, but it’s already late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I should go to bed, shouldn’t I? I see my brother coming downstairs and he walks towards us. For a second I leave my mother as I walk towards him. ‘Mother needs you’, I tell him and I go to bed again. I only allow one tear to leave my eyes before I fell asleep. 

The next morning the sun is shining again. I don’t see anyone at home, so it’s almost like nothing had happened. Was it all a dream? Maybe nothing had happened last night and it was just my imagination. I still don’t feel anything. ‘My aunt has passed away, but I don’t know what I should do or feel. I’m confused’, I text my best friend. After that I close my mind again and I go to the hospital where I have my internship. The whole day is filled with interesting and new things and I learn a lot. Though I don’t know if I’m allowed to, and I normally don’t do it while I’m at the hospital, I keep my mobile phone in my pocket the whole time while I was sitting next to the doctors and observing how they did their jobs. A couple of times the subject ‘death’ comes up, but still I can’t manage myself to tell the doctor ‘My aunt has passed away last night’. No, that would make it real. We can’t have that happen can we? Only now we can still pretend nothing has happened. No one has passed away, nothing has happened last night, it was just a regular night, nothing has happened, it’s all okay. During lunch break I call my father to find out how my mother was doing and he tells me she still isn’t home yet and he hadn’t heard from her. I feel the tears coming up, but I manage to suppress them and I end the conversation. The rest of my internship that day is just as emotionless as it was in the morning; I do what I have to do and I go home again. On my way home I can’t think about anything so I just stare outside the window. At home I see my father and my brother who were already at home. I greet them with a smile and walk upstairs to my room. My curtains are closed so my room is dark. ‘And now?’, I ask myself. I text the same friend I had texted in the morning to ask her if it was a right time for her to call her and she immediately calls me back. We talk for a while and I explain her the situation. Finally I cry. All of those tears that had been bottled up inside the whole day finally come out. I about scream because of the pain I’m feeling. I have never felt like that before. We make an arrangement that she would come to visit me that weekend after my aunt’s funeral and that promise makes me calm down. I know beforehand that I would need my friend afterwards to cry on her shoulder, because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I’m happy that I have a friend like her whom I could trust upon in such times when I felt so miserable, lonely, confused and sad. In a way I manage to get through that week while taking care of my mother, studying and not crying. For a while I don’t want to be selfish, because I know that my mother was the one who needs me more than I need her. I know that in that weekend after my aunt’s funeral I would have my best friend by my side and I could finally let all of my emotions loose. That would be the time for me to be selfish and to cry, but not now, now I had to care for my mother. My time to be cared for would come, I was sure of that.
The day of the funeral approaches and finally I’m able to cry again while supporting my mother and my other relatives. When I go home again I receive a text message from my friend, saying she wouldn’t be there that day, but the day after. I trust her, so I patiently wait for her to come the day after. ‘I thought you said she’d come today’, my parents ask. ‘Yes, but her planning wasn’t made properly, so she’ll be here tomorrow’. Tomorrow would be my time, it would be finally be my time to be selfish and to cry in someone’s arms. I don’t want to bother my brothers with my pain, because I know they felt that same pain and I don’t want to hurt them even more. Therefore I put all my trust in my friend, she would come the next day, I was sure of it, because she’d said so herself. Tomorrow came and I get a text again. She had overslept and because of the travelling time she choose not to come anymore. It feels like someone had slapped me in the face. No, it was more like I was stabbed in my heart. After exchanging some text messages again she decides she wants to come after all, but it’s the same time that I decide that I don’t want to see her anymore. I have already enough going on in my mind and my heart, so I don’t want this to add up on it too.
My head and my heart have been locked ever since. I was only able to talk about it with those who had been through comparable situations. Only in superficial ways though; still I wasn’t able to tell anyone what had happened besides my aunt’s death and being left by my best friend. Though I still don’t know if it was the right decision, but because I was hurt and confused I did tell some people about how I was being left in my most weakest time by one of the persons I’d trust most. I never talk bad about my friends to others, but this time I was too hurt in many ways that I had to get it off my chest. Besides that, many other things had happened that nowadays still aren’t solved and which we have in the back of our mind everyday. Sometimes I think it’s a bit stupid that I’m still not over what has happened, because it was such a long time ago. It’s like the more time that passes the more I tell myself I can’t be sad about it anymore and I should accept it and deal with it. I have tried, but I can’t, not by myself, no. Last December was the day when she was supposed to celebrate her birthday and only my mother was able to cry openly about it. I only cried at night when no one saw me or knew about my pain. I couldn’t talk about everything, but I did open up about certain things to one of my friends. That period was also the first time in my life that someone stayed up at night to talk to me. Just small talk, but it was all meant as a consolation. It comforts me to know that even when I think I’m overreacting and I should stop there are people who think I’m not and that I am allowed to feel how I feel.

Only one and a half month and it’s been a years since it happened. It’s on the same day I have a retake of an exam. I wonder who I’ll choose to trust upon this time. Maybe no one.

I have to play this song silently, because I know my mother won’t be able to handle hearing this song that was played during the funeral. Though this song makes my mother cry, it only makes me calm down and happy when hearing it. If someone would be so kind to translate the lyrics for me, please let me know.