I think it would cost me a whole lot of time and a lot of text to explain what I’ve been doing this past time since my last post. I ended with SLP 10, but never continued with 11, I am aware of that, but the wonder lies also with me as to why I just couldn’t think of anymore SLP’s anymore. I loved those moments, but they’ve seemed to have disappeared. Or they haven’t, but I only seem to see them consciously when not doing too well and practically ‘need’ those moments to feel appreciated and happy again and when I am happy I take those moments for granted? Something like that.
Some things have changed this past few months, for better or worse, I can’t tell yet. Though I believe for better, or it is what I want to believe. And as I like to make lists, I’ll also make a list of the things that have been occupying my thoughts:
- I got myself a boyfriend. Though I’m probably supposed to put a smiling emoticon after that first sentence, at the moment I can’t bring myself to do so. I am happy, don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly happy that the person I love, loves me too and I can tell how I’m starting to fall in love and how I never ever want to leave him or want him to leave me, but that’s the part that scares the hell out of me too. ‘I don’t think this is going to work out between us’, was what he told me last November and which has been wandering around my head ever since we started to date again a few months ago. I tried to express my fears about this to him, but I just can’t seem to tell him directly what it exactly is that’s still bothering me. It felt that for the past half year after we’d broken up it was only me who kept wanting him and he’d never spent a second thinking about me. But he loves me now, doesn’t he? That’s what he tells me and when it comes to love I’ve no reason to question his words or feelings. Or well with anything I can’t really doubt his honesty, because I do trust him. Still this past half year still seems to bother me and I don’t really know what to do about it. What also seems to stop me from putting that smiley, is because I can’t just go happy-go-lucky about this, because of my parents. This perhaps seems a bit off if I say it like this, but let me explain this. Perhaps it would be even possible to explain it in one sentence! I’ve got Asian parents.
No? Not clear? (No, I’m not Chinese or Japanese, but since my heritage lies in India… And India lies in Asia too; Asian parents it is!) Anyway, if I’d try to explain this better; I’m not sure if my parents would approve of the fact that I’ve already been sleeping with this guy, even before we officially had a relationship to be honest, and since I can lie about this to my parents (or ‘twist the truth’ as I like to call it), since I’ve already have done these things a million times because I know how strict they are (usually then it was about the grades and such I got in high school), but my loved one already made clear that he couldn’t lie to their faces if they’d directly ask him the same question, this does make me stress a bit and does not make me too eager for the two parties to meet each other. I always feel terrible when I lie to my parents straight in the face, but I know that after some time I’ll ‘forget’ about it and I won’t feel too bad about it anymore, since that’s the way it has always been.
- I’m a terrible friend. I’m not talking about how I’ve lost one of my friends a few months ago, because of arrogance, misunderstanding and pedantry, because there I’ve no regrets whatsoever about losing her, since I also don’t feel that the fault lies with me and I don’t miss her at all. When I say that I’m a terrible friend I allude to the fact how easily people can bore me and how I do like to be hang out with nice people, I don’t actually care that much about who it is I hang out with. Pretty much anyone of my friends would do. My boyfriend and my best friend are the only exceptions on this. I had more exceptions, but then it was me who got dumped and hurt by friends, so I decided to care just as little, to move on, wandering around meeting and bonding with new people and making new friends. So in the end it’s not my fault I’m ‘terrible’, I just haven’t found the right people yet (or is what le boyfriend says).
- Food. ‘Have I gain weight?’, ‘Should I eat this?’, ‘Oh my, I’ve eaten a lot today, haven’t I?’, ‘Am I even hungry? Then I shouldn’t eat, right?’. Should I go on? I don’t even have the energy to do so. It just sucks, trust me.
As you’ve by now reached the end of this post, I’d like to apologize for you to have read this so not-happy post, though on the other hand it’s been your own decision to do so, so to be honest I don’t feel that sorry for you. It’s entirely different from the happy SLP’s I usually supplied you with, but these are the truths; I’m happy, but I still feel as hateable as ever. I probably just need some time for this feeling to melt away (and perhaps some good coffee would do me good too. What’s this with no coffee for almost a week? It’s driving me crazy), I’ll be fine. No worries :)