My driving instructor always said that I drive like I’m in a hurry. I know I drive that way, because that’s how I am with everything. I always feel like I’m in a hurry and I’m out of time. But how come actually? It only works negatively, because of it I can never do things calmly and enjoy them. Not always, I must admit, but most of the time I do feel like I’m in a hurry. When reading the story of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ I always associated myself with the rabbit who continually said ‘I’m late! I’m late!’. That’s how I feel too; I’m always too late, I’m always in a rush, there’s always too much that I have to do and too little time to do it, which results into me doing things fast and not enjoying them fully.
A friend once said that I don’t seem like a person who’s used to working. This proves that she’s never seen my true nature. My true nature is fast, always. Probably because that’s how I’ve been raised? To do things quick? I don’t like others to do things I’ve been assigned to, so when it comes to things I’m responsible for I do them myself, fast always, like I’m in a hurry, feeling like I’ve got something or someone on my trail. I think my friend thought of me that way because when I’m with others I’m holding myself back, because I don’t want to scare them with the look in my eyes that says ‘HURRY!’ and my fast movements. You know, actually in a way it was true that I had a lot to do and a lot to worry about, and especially lately, so then it actually isn’t that surprising that it was hard for me to relax sometimes was it?
That period is the past though as things are different now in this short period I got my propaedeutic, I’ve moved out and I’ve gotten my driver’s license. Getting my propaedeutic means that the pressure of getting kicked out of medical school is finally over, moving out means that I don’t have to spend that much time traveling anymore and getting my driver’s license this means that I finally don’t have to spend so much time every week anymore on driving lessons. So I’m not in a rush anymore, or should I say, I shouldn’t be. Old habits die hard, so now I actually have to try to be peaceful and accept that I do have enough time and I do have everything under control and I’m not in a rush.
But when will I finally accept this then?
I’m going to stop worrying about the time, about having not enough of it, and just enjoy every moment calmly. I’m going to start standing still and looking around, more than I already did, as now I’m going to do it properly. I’m going to accept that everything is what it is. Festina Lente; Make haste slowly.
Today I went for a quick visit in my new room. I felt the tears in my eyes as I was staring outside the window; this is going to be my new life. 25/04
After the visit, when just walking around, I started to run and jump up and down. I felt like flying! I felt great! I felt awesome! I felt alive! 26/04
Textmessage from a friend: “Mich, we really have to stay friends forever!”
She was drinking tea at a cute shop while studying and was feeling very zen and cool and knew that I’d understand just exactly how she felt. It feels amazing that a person could have such lovely thoughts about me! I love her, we are we. 27/04 Twirling in my room, pretending it’s summer and I’m picnicking in the park with friends. Afterwards when quietly sitting down again and continuing my studies I suddenly see a rainbow outside my window. Though the two happenings might seem to have nothing to do with each other, when seeing the rainbow I started to think back about my worries what could happen when I’m moving out and I’ll be living on my own and I believe this to be a sign that everything is going to be alright. 28/04 My lovely parents already went to my room today themselves, because I couldn’t come with them, for I have a test to prepare for. They already did some of the preparations it and did a lot of grocery shopping for me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself anymore. They’re just so so lovely.
My brother gave me a mug where you can put fresh tea leaves in. It has cats on it! I have a special connection with cats: 1. My parents sometimes call me ‘cat’, as I sometimes have the bitchy attitude of one. In my new room they won’t be there anymore to call me by that nickname. 2. Besides that I can sometimes be bitchy, I love to cuddle too, which is another cat-like feature of me. I think that should I be reborn as an animal, or if I’d ever turn into an animal, I’d like to turn into a cat! 3. Do you remember I cosplayed as Hello Kitty when I went to Tsunacon? It’s an animecon that was held in the Netherlands a few months ago. Yes, the cat really is perfect for me!
Did I mention I’m surrounded by the most wonderful people?
Got a call and now I’ve been choosed for the room! I’m moving out! What I like about this, is that my new roommate could have chosen others beside me, but still choose me! Wow, I’m incredibly happy! Now my whole life is going to change! I’m going to be a Rotterdammer!! 16/04
I got my propeadeutics! I studied so hard for the final test and I’d been stressing out a lot, but in the end it was all worth it! Now I can’t get kicked out of this study anymore! I’m a medschool student! 16/04
My parents who hugged and congratulated me when they heard the two big things in my life. 16/04
A phonecall from a friend who stayed up with me in the middle of the night who actually wanted to talk about her worries, but still let me blab about my happiness first, because I was so excited and because she loves me she was excited for me. 17/04
Breakfast with a lovely friend who is one of the most sweetest and kindest people I know. I love how people can be so happy for you, just because they care so much. 19/04
Dancing at a party with friends. When I signed my rental contract for my new room that morning I felt like crying. I’d felt like that for almost the whole day until that night when my friends and I went out for a party and we just started to dance. It felt so good to just dance and not think about anything, not care about anything. Some times it felt like the time had stopped for a second and then started again. It felt really good.
Or I was just a bit tipsy and that’s why I felt a couple of times like time had stopped. Either way I felt awesome! 22/04
I didn’t know what colour to choose to paint the walls of my new room with, so I just went to the store to decide on the spot. There I discovered a colour called ‘beauty’, which was a very light shade of pink. Normally I’m not too fond of pink and also my mother started to laugh at me when she saw the colour I’d chosen, but this time it was different. I choose it because of the name and not necessarily because of the colour. This colour ‘beauty’ describes perfectly how I want to live my life; with beauty. See beauty, feel beauty, be beauty.
In one week my whole life has changed. This was the week I got my propaedeutics, I visited a room and I actually got chosen for the room! I’M MOVING OUT, PEOPLE! I’m going to live in Rotterdam from now on! This Thursday I’m going to sign the rental contract and since that moment I’m not living with my parents anymore, but I’ll be on my own. I’ve imagined this moment for so many times and now that it’s actually happening I can’t really believe it. It’s all going so fast!
But I’m happy, I really am, because these events have showed me just how lovely my friends are and how lovely it is to share happiness with others, how amazing it is to feel yourself shine and see that it’s affecting others too. AND I’M EXCITED! Me, a 19-year old short girl who has lived with her parents her whole life, who was never allowed to go on sleepovers, is actually finally moving out. Even before her older brothers are, even before she’s married or has a boyfriend; these are the scenarios I’d only dreamed of and now it’s actually happening. I still can’t believe it. Even when writing this post my mind feels like ‘durrrr’ and I have weird look on my face that says ‘To smile, or not to smile? To be confused or not to be confused? Is this realityyyyy??’, I bet you can imagine it’s not my prettiest look. (Or you can’t, since I’ve never posted a picture of myself on here before! Ha! Gotcha!)
Let me end this wacko, perhaps confusing and chaotic, but uttermost happy post with some Queen! Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? – You tell me!
As an addition to this post, I started to think about ways to capture my happy moments of each day. The first option that came in mind was to carry around a ‘Happy Notebook’, but I don’t actually think I’d write in it everyday, since I’m a very lazy girl and I’d probably find it too bothersome.
So if I wasn’t planning on capturing my happy moments each day, then maybe it would be possible for me to reflect on a past week to see what were my happiest moments in them. Perhaps I’d forget a whole lot of happy moments, but I suppose I’d remember the most important ones; the ones that made me the most happy! My Happy Week: 02/04 – 08/04
02/04 Getting a call from a not-so-stranger-anymore who wanted to help me telling my story about losing a loved one. He showed how he cared and just that coming from a random stranger who had no reason whatsoever to care about me, a person he’d never met before, gave me so much consolation.
03/04 Meeting a random stranger on the streets who was shining while sharing his enthusiasm when he talked about what he considered important. He was really nice and I’m happy that my affection towards him wasn’t one-sided.
04/04 Meeting the niece of a girl I once called my best friend before we grew apart about five years ago. Talking and playing with her was lovely and though it wasn’t for long it was so much fun! It was special, I can’t say more about it, but it just was.
When writing this post I actually came up with many more happy moments, but I didn’t want this post to be tedious so I decided to share only my most important and happiest moments with you.
If you want to know more, feel free to post a comment and I’ll be glad to answer it :).
These little moments of happiness are actually also secret little paradises to me as it are small moments, but can totally make my day and they’re moments I don’t tell the whole world about. Or well I do, by blogging about it, but in real life I do keep some of them as a secret. Therefore I’d like to rename this post and for further notice I’d like to call it a ‘Secret Little Paradise’ instead of ‘My Happy Week’, or in short ‘SLP’.
After having some good conversations with my brother and both my parents I decided that right now I actually have nothing to worry about. I was stressing out for the past couple of days, because of a test I have this Wednesday, and I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. I felt so stupid that I couldn’t remember anything I read… Al the time I’d invested was for nothing! Now I realize that it doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t worry too much about failing this test. Perhaps I’ll fail it, oh no wait, probably I’ll fail it! But who cares? I have many chances to make up for it, so why worry?
With this thought in mind I started my Easter with sleeping in until late and having a huge breakfast with my family. Perhaps I’ll watch some Korean drama, and maybe I’ll get to my studies later on. Maybe? Probably? Ah well, we’ll see. It’ll all be fine.
– One mini-baguette with pom and slices of cucumber
– Low-fat yogurt with peach, muesli with raisins and apple and mixed fruit cocktail
– Fried rice with chicken and gado gado
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with mustard cheese
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with metworst
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– Two mugs of Japanese cherry green tea
– One glass of mango-soursop juice
– Two mugs of hot chocolate made with regular milk, dark chocolate cubes and a sweetener.
It seems like almost everyday consists of: studying, not studying, studying, not studying, eating, sleeping, replay. I’m tired and my head is still fuzzy. What’s wrong with my head? I’d hoped that after the test I had two weeks ago my head would be clear again, but nothing less is true. Ok, the pressure is finally off, but it’s still like I can’t think clearly. I’ve tried to sleep more last night, but alas it wouldn’t help; I’m still the zombie I was before I went to bed.
Damn it! Maybe after the test I have next week my head will be clear? Yes, let’s hold on to that thought! Optimism, I’ve found you again! Where have you been hiding??
– A bowl of low-fat yogurt with peach and muesli with raisins and apple
– A croque monsieur made with one slice of whole-wheat bread, low-fat cheese and joppiesaus – Instant noodles with bean sprouts, baked onions and scrambled egg
– A croque monsieur made with one slice of whole-wheat bread, low-fat cheese and slices of tomato
– An apple
– One slice of ontbijtkoek
– One mug of café mocha with soy milk, cacao powder and a sweetener
– Four mugs of forest fruit tea
Even though also today I do practically nothing but listening to music and refreshing Facebook every five minutes or so, it’s not that I don’t have anything I want to do. It’s just that what I want to do and what I should do are two way too different things, so I end up doing nothing, because I don’t want to feel guilty for having fun while actually I should eh, well yeah, do something else; something productive, something useful… *UCHE* Studying *UCHE*. Not wanting to feel guilty isn’t the only reason why I don’t even do what I want to do; my butt has already warmed my seat, I haven’t downloaded this awesome music I’m listening to on YouTube yet to put on my mp3-player and well, sigh, apparently today I don’t even feel like coming up with more excuses, so I’ll just be honest and tell you I’m too lazy to get up and leave my seat.
Here’s what I want to do, the moment I’ll find the motivation to at least get up, that is. Otherwise I doubt I’ll get anywhere:
Take a walk in the park. Actually I only want to do this, because I know from previous times how much I like to do this and how much it clears my head. Something inside me tells me that if I’ll try to achieve the same thing this time by going to the park I’ll only end up being bored and the whole ‘peaceful-and-idyllic’ image I have of the park will be ruined. Not a good idea right? Let’s move on to my other secret desire.
Hang out with friends. With this I have almost the same pessimistic thoughts as I have with my other desire; it only seems fun in my head, but because at the moment I don’t have much to talk about and I doubt I have the concentration to pay attention to what someone else is saying, I don’t think that hanging around with others would be such a good idea.
Go to the beach. Unlike my first point this is a realistic option, because the last time I went to the beach was almost 2 years ago (and I was together with my first love, ah the memories! It was on the same day when we were supposed to have our first date, which I cancelled – Yes, I’m stupid, already knew that – and in the end we just hung out with a whole bunch of people. Sadly enough it was his friend who kept flirting with me instead of himself, damn it.) so I don’t think I would get bored quickly. It’s isn’t that warm outside as I wish it would be though, so I guess in the end it would be a disappointment.
Party. It’s barely noon, so where would I find a party at this moment? Sometimes I do wonder how unrealistic my desires could get ~. Even so, getting all dressed up and dance with my lovely friends would seem like the most awesome thing ever.
Sleep. Now this would be a great idea! Sadly my bed is about 100 km away from where I am at the moment, so also this isn’t an option anymore. Perhaps I could borrow a bed from someone who lives closeby, but actually the only person I know who wouldn’t mind lending me his bed is away on a vacation. There’s also another friend who I could ask, but I already feel guilty enough for crashing at her place so often. Sleeping at her place is so lovely, but that’s the same reason why I won’t ask her unless it necessary for me to stay over so she won’t be fed up with me, hehe.
Which reminds me, and this has nothing to do with this post but it’s something I’ve been thinking about since quite a long time (until I forgot about it, but recently it popped in my head again) and it’s about sleeping. It’s funny to notice how opinions differ on if it would be normal to sleep with someone. I started asking people ever since I began having the desire to sleep with a guy I liked, but didn’t love. Was it normal to want to sleep with someone? For the record, I’m not talking about sex or whatever, I mean just sleeping. Still, was it normal to want to do it with someone you didn’t love? Was it slutty? Though I have friends I love and who I like to hug and lay around with, it’s different than wanting to sleep with a guy.
Someone told me it’s not weird for a girl to want to sleep with a guy, because many girls see it as sleeping with a huge real-life teddy bear, which I have to agree with. Stuffed animals are called ‘knuffels’ in Dutch and literally translated it means ‘hugs’. That’s what we want to achieve when sleeping with a stuffed animal, right; to receive and to give hugs? Only when you’re sleeping with a ‘real’ person, you would receive more than from a stuffed animal. Seems pretty logical, right?
Another person told me it is slutty and you shouldn’t sleep with someone unless you love that person. She didn’t give me any more arguments, so it leaves me to make up reasons why it wouldn’t be right. In a way it’s quite a scary thought that as soon as I’d make the decision to sleep with someone, there would be a bunch of people judging me for it and for those I’ll have the image of slut, forever and ever.
I still haven’t figured out what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ to do, but when adding up all of the different opinions and advices there’s only one advice I could highly agree on and which is the advice I want to try to live by: Do what you want to do and don’t care about what others say. So if I make the decision to sleep with someone (or to do something else, this isn’t just about sleeping actually. It’s about everything one could do that could make others judge them), I’ll do it because I want to, and not because someone tells me it’s right, and I’ll not not do it, because someone tells me it’s wrong. To live by the rules and opinions of others, is to live a dependent life without being able to think for myself and with many regrets afterwards. ‘What do I want?’ is the question I’ll ask myself from now on instead of ‘what would they think about it?’
Though I’ve already made up my mind about what I want to do, I’m still curious about your opinions when it comes to sleeping with someone. Would you call it ‘normal’, ‘slutty’ or would you say ‘whatever!’? Let me know!
Okay, I take back what I said in the beginning from this post; actually I don’t want to do anything. I guess this is okay though, it’s not like I’m breaking any law by being lazy. Maybe if I sit down on my chair long enough I’ll start studying!
I’m proud of my optimism.
Pi Day is a holiday commemorating the mathematical constant π (pi). Pi Day is celebrated on March 14 (or 3/14 in month/day date format), since 3, 1 and 4 are the three most significant digits of π in the decimal form. (source)
Since I didn’t have any time to bake a pie to celebrate this day, I decided to buy myself a blueberry muffin in occasion of Pi Day! (Muffin, pie; same difference. It’s not like I could eat a whole pie by myself anyway).
‘SOGging’, this word may seem weird to my non-Dutch readers, but it’s o so familiar to almost all of the Dutch students, as it is a Dutch abbreviation which many students will find themselves guilty of.
SOG = Studie Ontwijkend Gedrag, meaning ‘Study Evasive Behavior’. Put ‘-ing’ behind it, make it a verb and there you have it: ‘SOGging’. As the name implies, SOG is about everything a student does, who is supposed to be studying, that has NOTHING to do with studying itself.
Everyone has his own way of SOGging and here you can read my ways of procrastinating what I should do and do all the things I shouldn’t do.
I’m such a stupid girl sometimes.
Facebook. Remember this: Facebook is enemy. At least when studying. It isn’t even that interesting, but still I keep checking it every few minutes or so. What am I, crazy? My first step towards doing what I should do is probably just closing my Facebook tab, which I sometimes do, but then I just open it again whenever I’m looking for distraction.
Food. It’s so easy to spend time on making and eating food when I study at home. Sometimes I suddenly have the desire of eating something delicious that of course costs more time to make than when I’d just have a simple sandwich or snack. Also, walking up and down the stairs to check if the fridge magically has been filled with new food, isn’t exactly useful or timesaving either.
Cleaning. My room has never been more neat.
Looking around. Even my wall is interesting when I have to study. It’s painted in my favorite colour, lilac! How could I resist admiring it??
Dressing up. Nails are polished with a classy gold nail polish, I’ve discovered two new hairstyles, threaded my eyebrows, created some new outfits with old clothes… What? That stuff has to happen too!
Dancing around on birthday songs. Whose birthday exactly?
Korean Drama. Opening the tab of my favorites to see if another drama episode has been uploaded, come to the conclusion that it hasn’t and then preach to myself I shouldn’t watch too much drama because it’ll take too much of my study time.
Complain about the amount to study. It’s so much fun to complain about this with others! ‘There’s too much to study!’, ‘I’ll never make it on time!’; well duh, of course I won’t, not if I don’t even start studying and stop fooling around.
Blogging. Yes, writing this post is a form of procrastinating too. Told you I was stupid.
Guess it’s time for me to go back to my studies again. After I’ve fetched myself something to drink of course. What? Who’s procrastinating?