SLP 9: Into the Rabbit Hole

28-05
‘I’m yours’. And I’m scared, incredibly scared, so these words mean the world to me. Just wait a little bit longer, so I’ll be able to give myself properly to you too.

29-05
A friend who cares enough about my well being to try to convince me to face one of my biggest fears, which is to open myself up to someone and love them

30-05
After failing a test I’d made that morning, I found myself wandering pretty lonely and uncomfortable. The attention I got from the guy I like and my best friend, even if it was just through texts and a call, meant the world to me and made the sun shine just a little bit more.
I love being loved, I believe my father was right when saying it’s the best feeling ever.

31-05
Surprise! My roommate was finally back! If only for a few hours though. I love how easy it was for me to connect with her. She made me feel very welcome and I even believe she likes me! No, I really do! She’s so nice!
31-05
Dear, sweet, kind brothers, thank you for loving me.


01-06

Exploring Rotterdam at night with my one of my dearest friends. I truly believe she’s one of the people in my life who genuinely cares about me.


02-06

Getting up early to see the sunrise at Rotterdam with my dear friend who spent the night.

02-06
View from the Euromast. It was so peaceful up there. I didn’t feel like taking pictures, I just wanted to stand still and look around. Didn’t even bother talking, I just wanted to look around with the sun shining on my face. Luckily my dear friend is very fond of taking pictures, so no credits for me for these ones :)

02-06|
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE AT THE ROTTERDAM RAVE PARTY. Wasn’t quite sober so that might have been the reason I didn’t mind dancing on my own most of the time. Just dancing nothing more. Don’t think, just dance.

03-06
Hey, I like you, you know that?

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Monday Night; 2nd of May, 2011

It’s night and I hear my mother scream. I immediately get up and my first thought is: ‘It’s back again’. While I run downstairs I can see my mother running down the stairs going into the living room. I’m confused because I had expected her to be in the bathroom. What’s happened if that what I had thought had happened, didn’t happen? Then what did? My parents room is lit and I see my brothers standing outside their rooms too. I see my father coming out of my parents room and he sees the question written on my face. ‘Your aunt has passed away’, he tells me. Mother needs me, is the first thought that comes up in my mind and I run downstairs to the living room. I see my mother crying and screaming, but there’s nothing I can do for her then to hold her. We can’t sit down because she keeps sitting up and down. She wants to get her coat to go outside, but I don’t want her to leave because I think she’s going mad. ‘Uncle’s coming to pick me up to go together’, she tells me and I allow her to get her jacket. Meanwhile we’re sitting on the couch, while I’m holding her in my arms. In the whole time I haven’t felt anything. I have an internship to go to tomorrow, crosses my mind, but it’s already late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I should go to bed, shouldn’t I? I see my brother coming downstairs and he walks towards us. For a second I leave my mother as I walk towards him. ‘Mother needs you’, I tell him and I go to bed again. I only allow one tear to leave my eyes before I fell asleep. 

The next morning the sun is shining again. I don’t see anyone at home, so it’s almost like nothing had happened. Was it all a dream? Maybe nothing had happened last night and it was just my imagination. I still don’t feel anything. ‘My aunt has passed away, but I don’t know what I should do or feel. I’m confused’, I text my best friend. After that I close my mind again and I go to the hospital where I have my internship. The whole day is filled with interesting and new things and I learn a lot. Though I don’t know if I’m allowed to, and I normally don’t do it while I’m at the hospital, I keep my mobile phone in my pocket the whole time while I was sitting next to the doctors and observing how they did their jobs. A couple of times the subject ‘death’ comes up, but still I can’t manage myself to tell the doctor ‘My aunt has passed away last night’. No, that would make it real. We can’t have that happen can we? Only now we can still pretend nothing has happened. No one has passed away, nothing has happened last night, it was just a regular night, nothing has happened, it’s all okay. During lunch break I call my father to find out how my mother was doing and he tells me she still isn’t home yet and he hadn’t heard from her. I feel the tears coming up, but I manage to suppress them and I end the conversation. The rest of my internship that day is just as emotionless as it was in the morning; I do what I have to do and I go home again. On my way home I can’t think about anything so I just stare outside the window. At home I see my father and my brother who were already at home. I greet them with a smile and walk upstairs to my room. My curtains are closed so my room is dark. ‘And now?’, I ask myself. I text the same friend I had texted in the morning to ask her if it was a right time for her to call her and she immediately calls me back. We talk for a while and I explain her the situation. Finally I cry. All of those tears that had been bottled up inside the whole day finally come out. I about scream because of the pain I’m feeling. I have never felt like that before. We make an arrangement that she would come to visit me that weekend after my aunt’s funeral and that promise makes me calm down. I know beforehand that I would need my friend afterwards to cry on her shoulder, because I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I’m happy that I have a friend like her whom I could trust upon in such times when I felt so miserable, lonely, confused and sad. In a way I manage to get through that week while taking care of my mother, studying and not crying. For a while I don’t want to be selfish, because I know that my mother was the one who needs me more than I need her. I know that in that weekend after my aunt’s funeral I would have my best friend by my side and I could finally let all of my emotions loose. That would be the time for me to be selfish and to cry, but not now, now I had to care for my mother. My time to be cared for would come, I was sure of that.
The day of the funeral approaches and finally I’m able to cry again while supporting my mother and my other relatives. When I go home again I receive a text message from my friend, saying she wouldn’t be there that day, but the day after. I trust her, so I patiently wait for her to come the day after. ‘I thought you said she’d come today’, my parents ask. ‘Yes, but her planning wasn’t made properly, so she’ll be here tomorrow’. Tomorrow would be my time, it would be finally be my time to be selfish and to cry in someone’s arms. I don’t want to bother my brothers with my pain, because I know they felt that same pain and I don’t want to hurt them even more. Therefore I put all my trust in my friend, she would come the next day, I was sure of it, because she’d said so herself. Tomorrow came and I get a text again. She had overslept and because of the travelling time she choose not to come anymore. It feels like someone had slapped me in the face. No, it was more like I was stabbed in my heart. After exchanging some text messages again she decides she wants to come after all, but it’s the same time that I decide that I don’t want to see her anymore. I have already enough going on in my mind and my heart, so I don’t want this to add up on it too.
My head and my heart have been locked ever since. I was only able to talk about it with those who had been through comparable situations. Only in superficial ways though; still I wasn’t able to tell anyone what had happened besides my aunt’s death and being left by my best friend. Though I still don’t know if it was the right decision, but because I was hurt and confused I did tell some people about how I was being left in my most weakest time by one of the persons I’d trust most. I never talk bad about my friends to others, but this time I was too hurt in many ways that I had to get it off my chest. Besides that, many other things had happened that nowadays still aren’t solved and which we have in the back of our mind everyday. Sometimes I think it’s a bit stupid that I’m still not over what has happened, because it was such a long time ago. It’s like the more time that passes the more I tell myself I can’t be sad about it anymore and I should accept it and deal with it. I have tried, but I can’t, not by myself, no. Last December was the day when she was supposed to celebrate her birthday and only my mother was able to cry openly about it. I only cried at night when no one saw me or knew about my pain. I couldn’t talk about everything, but I did open up about certain things to one of my friends. That period was also the first time in my life that someone stayed up at night to talk to me. Just small talk, but it was all meant as a consolation. It comforts me to know that even when I think I’m overreacting and I should stop there are people who think I’m not and that I am allowed to feel how I feel.

Only one and a half month and it’s been a years since it happened. It’s on the same day I have a retake of an exam. I wonder who I’ll choose to trust upon this time. Maybe no one.

I have to play this song silently, because I know my mother won’t be able to handle hearing this song that was played during the funeral. Though this song makes my mother cry, it only makes me calm down and happy when hearing it. If someone would be so kind to translate the lyrics for me, please let me know.

‘Who is like God?’

It’s the literally translation of the Hebrew name ‘Michael’ of which my name ‘Michelle’ was derived from. I don’t believe my parents took the meaning of the name in account when they chose it for me; they probably just thought it sounded beautiful, of which I have to agree to. It was only when I was about 12 years old when I searched for the meaning of my name.

“‘Quis ut Deus?’ A Latin sentence meaning ‘Who is like God?’, is a literal translation of the name ‘Michael’. ‘Michael’ appears as the name of several men in the ‘Old Testament’. In the ‘Book of Daniel’ it is the name of the ‘prince’ of the people of Israel. In the ‘New Testament’ the name is given to an archangel in the ‘Epistle of Jude’ 1:9 and, in the ‘Book of Revelation’ 12:7, to the leader of angels who defeat ‘the dragon’ and his fallen angels, a dragon identified in ‘Revelation’ 12:9 as ‘that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world’.
The sentence ‘Quis ut Deus?’ is particularly associated with Archangel Michael. In art St. Michael is often represented as an angelic warrior, fully armed with the helmet, sword and shield as he overcomes Satan, sometimes represented as a dragon and sometimes as a man-like figure. The shield at times ears the inscription: ‘Quis ut Deus’, the translation of the archangel’s name, but capable also of being seen as his rhetorical and scornful question to Satan.
The Scapular of St. Michael the Archangel also bears this phrase.”
(source)

The Archangel Michael is a strong being, who fights for what he believes in, who fights for the good against the bad, who fights for justice, who’s willing to challenge and overcome Satan. With his name alone he’s a warrior from God who’s strong enough to ask Satan the rhetorical question: ‘WHO is like God?’.

If Michael can be such a strong angel who fights for his belief , then who says I, Michelle, can’t?
In my own modest ways I should be able to fight for my beliefs too, to challenge not only Satan, but also myself to become a stronger person and overcome Satan as he appears in everyday issues; whenever there’s the choice between right and wrong, and the choice between the easy and the right road.
With the name my parents had chosen for me, they subconsciously also gave me the strength my name carries. I may seem like a weak and sweet little girl, but God knows the power I have inside me. The power to not choose for the easy road, but for the right road, to fight for what I believe in without any doubts.
I’m strong, just like the ones who gave me this name and the Archangel who my name was derived from, and I’ll live up to it.


If truth be told, I’m still a girl who has the cheesy dream of a loved one singing this song to her.

How to: SOGging

Lazy Konata in Lucky Star. (Source unknown)

‘SOGging’, this word may seem weird to my non-Dutch readers, but it’s o so familiar to almost all of the Dutch students, as it is a Dutch abbreviation which many students will find themselves guilty of.
SOG = Studie Ontwijkend Gedrag, meaning ‘Study Evasive Behavior’. Put ‘-ing’ behind it, make it a verb and there you have it: ‘SOGging’. As the name implies, SOG is about everything a student does, who is supposed to be studying, that has NOTHING to do with studying itself.
Everyone has his own way of SOGging and here you can read my ways of procrastinating what I should do and do all the things I shouldn’t do.
I’m such a stupid girl sometimes.

  • Facebook. Remember this: Facebook is enemy. At least when studying. It isn’t even that interesting, but still I keep checking it every few minutes or so. What am I, crazy? My first step towards doing what I should do is probably just closing my Facebook tab, which I sometimes do, but then I just open it again whenever I’m looking for distraction.
  • Food. It’s so easy to spend time on making and eating food when I study at home. Sometimes I suddenly have the desire of eating something delicious that of course costs more time to make than when I’d just have a simple sandwich or snack. Also, walking up and down the stairs to check if the fridge magically has been filled with new food, isn’t exactly useful or timesaving either.
  • Cleaning. My room has never been more neat.
  • Looking around. Even my wall is interesting when I have to study. It’s painted in my favorite colour, lilac! How could I resist admiring it??
  • Dressing up. Nails are polished with a classy gold nail polish, I’ve discovered two new hairstyles, threaded my eyebrows, created some new outfits with old clothes… What? That stuff has to happen too!
  • Dancing around on birthday songs. Whose birthday exactly?
  • Korean Drama. Opening the tab of my favorites to see if another drama episode has been uploaded, come to the conclusion that it hasn’t and then preach to myself I shouldn’t watch too much drama because it’ll take too much of my study time.
  • Complain about the amount to study. It’s so much fun to complain about this with others! ‘There’s too much to study!’, ‘I’ll never make it on time!’; well duh, of course I won’t, not if I don’t even start studying and stop fooling around.
  • Blogging. Yes, writing this post is a form of procrastinating too. Told you I was stupid.

Guess it’s time for me to go back to my studies again. After I’ve fetched myself something to drink of course. What? Who’s procrastinating?

Everything’s Okay!


Through this heaviness I’m feeling, I just need someone to say: ‘Everything’s okay!’
(source)

This is what I need at the moment, because I don’t feel like ‘everything’s okay’. I need support and if there’s no one who’s willing to cheer me up without having to ask for it, I’ll just keep playing this song non-stop, thanks to TubeReplay, until I’m satisfied.

Norwegian Wood

‘Death exists, not as the opposite but as a part of life.’

This story isn’t about the people who die, this story is about the survivors, those who have to continue to live. If only for the sake of living.

When 17-year-old Kizuki suddenly commits suicide, he leaves his best friend Watanabe and his girlfriend Naoko behind. ‘Continue to live’ is what they’re supposed to do, but that’s easier said than done for the survivors; does being able to breath, talk and read, mean that you’re living? When a loved one has suddenly died in such a way, time seems to stop for those who are left. It’s not living, nor dying; it goes beyond that, almost emotionless, but painful when you allow yourself to feel the pain. There’s only the emptiness one’s trying to fill with nothing more than mindless conversations, travelling and reading, which all seemed like nothing more than running away.

That’s how Watanabe attempted to continue his life, by moving away from the place where in one moment all of his certainties had crashed down. Naoko did the same and though they’d parted ways, they did meet again in Tokyo. Mindless conversations followed and not a word was spoken about Kizuki. At the moment of Naoko’s 20th birthday Watanabe accidentally spoke about him, which caused Naoko to run away again.
Is it ‘love’ that made Watanabe wanting to care for Naoko? Or was it that he felt responsible for her, since his best friend wasn’t there anymore to take care of her?


The same goes for Naoko; did she want to be with Watanabe because she loved him? Fancied him? In what way? Did she want comfort? Did she feel guilty for what happened with Kizuki? Did she might wonder: ‘Was it because he didn’t love me that he’d committed suicide?’
To continue to live for those who are left is an extremely hard thing to do. Naoko did try, but because she couldn’t do it on her own her parents sent her to a sanatorium in the mountains of Kyoto. By breathing the fresh air and being surrounded by nature everyone hoped this would be her cure, as a broken soul is a disease too. With the love she received from Watanabe it almost seemed like she did became better, but nothing was less true as eventually she died too.
‘Your presence is painful to me!’

After all that had happened Watanabe eventually chose to stay strong, to live and to grow up. Time had stopped when Kizuki was 17 and again when Naoko was 21, but now he felt it was about time he continued to live.
Midori, a former classmate of Watanabe, had a major influence in this decision. She tries to seem like a smart and almost cunning girl, but in the end all she wants is comfort and the certainty of being loved and not being left. Because of his feelings for Naoko, Watanabe almost seemed blind towards Midori, as if he couldn’t see her desire for comfort or simply ignored it because he didn’t want to be bothered by it. In the end he did love her, maybe in a even more real way than he had loved Naoko.
What it is that makes two people love each other anyway?

Never before was I this touched by the emotions of a movie character. As if he was standing beside me in my room and I could feel his pain radiate through everything, it hurt me too. This raw acting wasn’t acting; it was real, it was all real and it took me some time to realize that it wasn’t.

Everything was presented in a raw and real way, nothing was made more beautiful than it actually was. But just as it is the imperfection of a person that makes him perfect, it was because this movie seemed so real to me, that it was beautiful. It didn’t try to make the viewer cry, it simply told the story of something that could have happened and that itself was painful enough.

After reading this, please listen to the soundtrack of the movie here. The music had in my opinion a great influence on presenting the story in a raw way.
Reading the book this movie was based on is the next thing on my to-do-list.

LDN

When you look with your eyes everything seems nice, but if you look twice you could see it’s all lies.

Have you ever heard the song ‘LDN’ from Lily Allen? If not, I suggest you to watch the video first and listen to the lyrics before you read the rest of this post.

You don’t have to read between the lines to grab the meaning of this song. The lyrics say pretty clearly what they mean: ‘When you look with you eyes everything seems nice, but if you look twice you could see it’s all lies.’
This doesn’t only count for the examples you can hear in the lyrics and see in the video, but also for many other things in life which in my opinion is what this song is about. The beginning of the video, in which Lily gets a call, and the end of the video when she gets another call describe a situation in which a lot of girls, and probably also guys, have found themselves in;  A bit of attention from the person you have a crush on can make you float high in the sky and suddenly everything around you seems wonderful. Sadly that’s only because you have your rose-colored glasses on and when that person or a situation shows its true colours, it feels like you’re being pushed off your cloud and with your rose-colored glassed ripped off you’re forced to face the sad truth.
BAM.
Shock, disappointment, pain.
Available in any order possible.