My driving instructor always said that I drive like I’m in a hurry. I know I drive that way, because that’s how I am with everything. I always feel like I’m in a hurry and I’m out of time. But how come actually? It only works negatively, because of it I can never do things calmly and enjoy them. Not always, I must admit, but most of the time I do feel like I’m in a hurry. When reading the story of ‘Alice in Wonderland’ I always associated myself with the rabbit who continually said ‘I’m late! I’m late!’. That’s how I feel too; I’m always too late, I’m always in a rush, there’s always too much that I have to do and too little time to do it, which results into me doing things fast and not enjoying them fully.
A friend once said that I don’t seem like a person who’s used to working. This proves that she’s never seen my true nature. My true nature is fast, always. Probably because that’s how I’ve been raised? To do things quick? I don’t like others to do things I’ve been assigned to, so when it comes to things I’m responsible for I do them myself, fast always, like I’m in a hurry, feeling like I’ve got something or someone on my trail. I think my friend thought of me that way because when I’m with others I’m holding myself back, because I don’t want to scare them with the look in my eyes that says ‘HURRY!’ and my fast movements. You know, actually in a way it was true that I had a lot to do and a lot to worry about, and especially lately, so then it actually isn’t that surprising that it was hard for me to relax sometimes was it?
That period is the past though as things are different now in this short period I got my propaedeutic, I’ve moved out and I’ve gotten my driver’s license. Getting my propaedeutic means that the pressure of getting kicked out of medical school is finally over, moving out means that I don’t have to spend that much time traveling anymore and getting my driver’s license this means that I finally don’t have to spend so much time every week anymore on driving lessons. So I’m not in a rush anymore, or should I say, I shouldn’t be. Old habits die hard, so now I actually have to try to be peaceful and accept that I do have enough time and I do have everything under control and I’m not in a rush.
But when will I finally accept this then?
I’m going to stop worrying about the time, about having not enough of it, and just enjoy every moment calmly. I’m going to start standing still and looking around, more than I already did, as now I’m going to do it properly. I’m going to accept that everything is what it is.
Festina Lente; Make haste slowly.
I’m not late.