What’s the solution?

I think it would cost me a whole lot of time and a lot of text to explain what I’ve been doing this past time since my last post. I ended with SLP 10, but never continued with 11, I am aware of that, but the wonder lies also with me as to why I just couldn’t think of anymore SLP’s anymore. I loved those moments, but they’ve seemed to have disappeared. Or they haven’t, but I only seem to see them consciously when not doing too well and practically ‘need’ those moments to feel appreciated and happy again and when I am happy I take those moments for granted? Something like that.
Some things have changed this past few months, for better or worse, I can’t tell yet. Though I believe for better, or it is what I want to believe. And as I like to make lists, I’ll also make a list of the things that have been occupying my thoughts:

  1. I got myself a boyfriend. Though I’m probably supposed to put a smiling emoticon after that first sentence, at the moment I can’t bring myself to do so. I am happy, don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly happy that the person I love, loves me too and I can tell how I’m starting to fall in love and how I never ever want to leave him or want him to leave me, but that’s the part that scares the hell out of me too. ‘I don’t think this is going to work out between us’, was what he told me last November and which has been wandering around my head ever since we started to date again a few months ago. I tried to express my fears about this to him, but I just can’t seem to tell him directly what it exactly is that’s still bothering me. It felt that for the past half year after we’d broken up it was only me who kept wanting him and he’d never spent a second thinking about me. But he loves me now, doesn’t he? That’s what he tells me and when it comes to love I’ve no reason to question his words or feelings. Or well with anything I can’t really doubt his honesty, because I do trust him. Still this past half year still seems to bother me and I don’t really know what to do about it. What also seems to stop me from putting that smiley, is because I can’t just go happy-go-lucky about this, because of my parents. This perhaps seems a bit off if I say it like this, but let me explain this. Perhaps it would be even possible to explain it in one sentence! I’ve got Asian parents.
    No? Not clear? (No, I’m not Chinese or Japanese, but since my heritage lies in India… And India lies in Asia too; Asian parents it is!) Anyway, if I’d try to explain this better; I’m not sure if my parents would approve of the fact that I’ve already been sleeping with this guy, even before we officially had a relationship to be honest, and since I can lie about this to my parents (or ‘twist the truth’ as I like to call it), since I’ve already have done these things a million times because I know how strict they are (usually then it was about the grades and such I got in high school), but my loved one already made clear that he couldn’t lie to their faces if they’d directly ask him the same question, this does make me stress a bit and does not make me too eager for the two parties to meet each other. I always feel terrible when I lie to my parents straight in the face, but I know that after some time I’ll ‘forget’ about it and I won’t feel too bad about it anymore, since that’s the way it has always been.
  2. I’m a terrible friend. I’m not talking about how I’ve lost one of my friends a few months ago, because of arrogance, misunderstanding and pedantry, because there I’ve no regrets whatsoever about losing her, since I also don’t feel that the fault lies with me and I don’t miss her at all. When I say that I’m a terrible friend I allude to the fact how easily people can bore me and how I do like to be hang out with nice people, I don’t actually care that much about who it is I hang out with. Pretty much anyone of my friends would do. My boyfriend and my best friend are the only exceptions on this. I had more exceptions, but then it was me who got dumped and hurt by friends, so I decided to care just as little, to move on, wandering around meeting and bonding with new people and making new friends. So in the end it’s not my fault I’m ‘terrible’, I just haven’t found the right people yet (or is what le boyfriend says).
  3. Food. ‘Have I gain weight?’, ‘Should I eat this?’, ‘Oh my, I’ve eaten a lot today, haven’t I?’, ‘Am I even hungry? Then I shouldn’t eat, right?’. Should I go on? I don’t even have the energy to do so. It just sucks, trust me.

As you’ve by now reached the end of this post, I’d like to apologize for you to have read this so not-happy post, though on the other hand it’s been your own decision to do so, so to be honest I don’t feel that sorry for you. It’s entirely different from the happy SLP’s I usually supplied you with, but these are the truths; I’m happy, but I still feel as hateable as ever. I probably just need some time for this feeling to melt away (and perhaps some good coffee would do me good too. What’s this with no coffee for almost a week? It’s driving me crazy), I’ll be fine. No worries :)

Advertisements

SLP 7: Sunshine

14/05
You remember the guy I mentioned before? We had dinner today when having a little housewarming party at my room by ourselves. He did keep his promise, which kind of surprised me, because I know how good he is at not keeping them. I realized again why I felt so comfortable around him and why I ever saw him as a friend anyway. I wasn’t that weak of a person that I just wanted to be around him for the complements he gave me; I honestly couldn’t care less about those, but it’s the comfortable feeling of being accepted, almost like being ‘home’ that he’s supplied me with ever since I got to know him, that attracts me towards him, even if it’s just as friends. I’m happy that this whole thing is now finally solved.

14/05
To manage not to throw up my food on purpose and being able to talk about it afterwards with a friend and not being judged about it. I must be doing well these days if I don’t have to do those things anymore!

16/05:
‘I like your hat! It matches the style of the rest of your outfit too!’ YOU’RE SO KIND! Yes, I have my own style!

17/05
Taking a walk after sitting in my room for quite a while. Though it started out bad, with my secret garden being closed and seeing loveydovey couples everywhere (Is it Valentine’s Day? NO! So get the fuck off!), but when I almost reached the end of my stroll my best friend easily made me laugh through the texts we exchanged and I also saw two cute guys! One of them lives in the building across from mine and the other guy lives in the same building as mine! Hehe, that makes up for pretty much everything.

18/05
Taking a stroll in the park with the sun shining bright. Just walking and looking around, nothing more. The first picture of this post was taken during my stroll.

18/05 
Cooking an incredibly colourful dinner with a friend; Fried rice with egg, red and green paprikas and tofu. Just looking at it every time I took a bite made me smile! I love colourful food! I really really really love it!

This picture isn’t that very special as I believe to have read this quote many times before, but I still took it when I saw it. Usually when reading such a quote I’d think to myself ‘Yeah, that must have been a preeeettyy looooong time ago’, because I’m not that adventures, but lately I did have many big things happening in my life! Ironic, isn’t it, that suddenly this comes up my path almost forcing me to see how incredible my life is going and how I should appreciate and capture every single happy moment, big or small.

SLP 5: A Cup of Cake

30/04
Reading a blog from a girl who expresses herself the way I wish I could. It’s  nice to read how someone can still express herself so deeply, while I still seem to struggle with it. She inspires me to keep trying until I am able to. Thank you, Eleanor.
01/05
Little girl in the train while I was travelling to my room to spend the night there for the first time. Her mother was too busy playing with her phone so the girl drew all her attention to me, who was sitting diagonally behind her and did about everything to draw my attention to her. She succeeded, easily.
02/05
My mother who came to visit me in my room and not only we did some grocery shopping together, before I went to make my exam, but also when I came back she surprised me with preparing one of my favorite vegetables: broccoli and tofu, which I love to eat too, but because my siblings and parents aren’t too fond of we don’t eat it a lot at home. Now I’ve moved out I can eat as much tofu as I want!
02/05
After I found out there was something wrong with my connection to the internet I was actually pretty bummed out. Then I found how peaceful it actually was. I felt incredibly zen~.
02/05
My brother who texted me good night just when I was preparing to go to bed too. I’d like to call this serendipity.
04/05
Guy who was walking behind me with a trolley and though I didn’t know the guy at all he acted like he was ‘The monster on wheels’ and joked around with me. He was so funny!
04/05
My friends who came to visit me and we had an improvisation house warming at my new place. Their presence made the place feel a little more like home to me.
05/05
My wonderful parents and brothers who worked their ass of helping me with decorating my room, which include putting all of the IKEA furniture together. I was so tired, but so satisfied and happy at the same time.

SLP 4: I am loved


25/04
Today I went for a quick visit in my new room. I felt the tears in my eyes as I was staring outside the window; this is going to be my new life.
25/04
After the visit, when just walking around, I started to run and jump up and down. I felt like flying! I felt great! I felt awesome! I felt alive!
26/04
Textmessage from a friend: “Mich, we really have to stay friends forever!”
She was drinking tea at a cute shop while studying and was feeling very zen and cool and knew that I’d understand just exactly how she felt. It feels amazing that a person could have such lovely thoughts about me! I love her, we are we.
27/04
Twirling in my room, pretending it’s summer and I’m picnicking in the park with friends. Afterwards when quietly sitting down again and continuing my studies I suddenly see a rainbow outside my window. Though the two happenings might seem to have nothing to do with each other, when seeing the rainbow I started to think back about my worries what could happen when I’m moving out and I’ll be living on my own and I believe this to be a sign that everything is going to be alright.
28/04
My lovely parents already went to my room today themselves, because I couldn’t come with them, for I have a test to prepare for. They already did some of the preparations it and did a lot of grocery shopping for me so I wouldn’t have to do it myself anymore. They’re just so so lovely.


28/04
My brother gave me a mug where you can put fresh tea leaves in. It has cats on it! I have a special connection with cats: 1. My parents sometimes call me ‘cat’, as I sometimes have the bitchy attitude of one. In my new room they won’t be there anymore to call me by that nickname. 2. Besides that I can sometimes be bitchy, I love to cuddle too, which is another cat-like feature of me. I think that should I be reborn as an animal, or if I’d ever turn into an animal, I’d like to turn into a cat! 3. Do you remember I cosplayed as Hello Kitty when I went to Tsunacon? It’s an animecon that was held in the Netherlands a few months ago. Yes, the cat really is perfect for me!
Did I mention I’m surrounded by the most wonderful people?

I AM: Bored

And you must be too! I mean, who’d bother to read my ‘Food Diaries’ every single day? (Ok, many people apparently, but still) When I started with it, it seemed like a good idea to me, because I wanted to capture how healthy (or unhealthy) I eat, but now that I’ve been doing it for quite some time I have to admit that it starts to bore me. Those posts just start to get more and more dull, because I don’t really care about them, so I can’t imagine that you do. There are many more interesting things happening in my life, so many more interesting thoughts and inspirations, so why would I bother wasting my time writing those ‘Food Diaries’ if I can use it to write something better??
So here’s the conclusion: No more Food Diaries!
Let’s move on to the next chapter of my Secret Little Paradise!

Food Diary: 14th of April, 2012


Food:

– One bowl of low-fat yogurt with muesli with apple and raisins
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with sardines in tomato sauce
– Rice porridge
Poffertjes with powdered sugar. Have you ever eaten, or hear of, poffertjes? It’s a Dutch treat, and they’re like mini pancakes. It’s nice to eat as a snack in between, but it could also be eaten for dinner!
– Rice with turkey, ham and green beans
– Half an apple
– A half slice of toasted whole-wheat bread with metworst
– A half slice of toasted whole-wheat bread with cumin cheese

Drinks:
– Four mugs of forest fruit tea
– One glass of orange juice
– One mug of hot chocolatemilk

Food Diary: 13th of April, 2012

Food:
– One bowl of low-fat yogurt with muesli with apple and raisins
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with meatballs and ketchup
– One half whole-wheat mini-baguette with fish
– One apple
– Fried noodles with chicken

Drinks:
– Two mugs of rooibos cinnamon tea
– One cup of orange juice
– One little package of multi fruit juice
– One glass of clear lemonade, grenadine flavour

Food Diary: 12th of April, 2012

Just another lazy day afternoon!
– McFly

I didn’t eat dinner today, because I was with a friend and well, we just forgot all about dinner, true story.

Food:
– One croque monsieur made with low-fat cheese and curry sauce
– Two slices of ontbijtkoek
– Two slices of whole-wheat bread with ham and cheese
– Two Merci: Dark Mousse. I got these from a friend, because I like the dark chocolates from the Merci-box and he doesn’t. Hehe, I like people who give me chocolate!

– A bowl of rice porridge

Drinks:
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– One little package of multi fruit juice
– One mug of green tea lemon

Food Diary: 11th of April, 2012

I always like to relax after having an exam with some friends, so that’s what we did after making the exam we had this morning. We’d planned to go on a picnic, but unfortunately the weather didn’t allow us to do so, so we stayed inside. Luckily we had cookies and lovely friends to share this day with!

Food:
– Four slices of whole-wheat bread with ham and cumin cheese
– One raisin-lemon cookie
– One sprits. It’s a Dutch kind of cookie, that’s originally from Germany.
– Rice with beans and yard long beans
– Rice porridge. Homemade by moi yesterday. As if I didn’t have enough rice for dinner already. But hey, it’s sweet! I like sweet, so that’s a good thing!

Drinks:
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– One little package of multi fruit juice
– One cup of café au lait
– Two mugs of tropical fruit tea