What’s the solution?

I think it would cost me a whole lot of time and a lot of text to explain what I’ve been doing this past time since my last post. I ended with SLP 10, but never continued with 11, I am aware of that, but the wonder lies also with me as to why I just couldn’t think of anymore SLP’s anymore. I loved those moments, but they’ve seemed to have disappeared. Or they haven’t, but I only seem to see them consciously when not doing too well and practically ‘need’ those moments to feel appreciated and happy again and when I am happy I take those moments for granted? Something like that.
Some things have changed this past few months, for better or worse, I can’t tell yet. Though I believe for better, or it is what I want to believe. And as I like to make lists, I’ll also make a list of the things that have been occupying my thoughts:

  1. I got myself a boyfriend. Though I’m probably supposed to put a smiling emoticon after that first sentence, at the moment I can’t bring myself to do so. I am happy, don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly happy that the person I love, loves me too and I can tell how I’m starting to fall in love and how I never ever want to leave him or want him to leave me, but that’s the part that scares the hell out of me too. ‘I don’t think this is going to work out between us’, was what he told me last November and which has been wandering around my head ever since we started to date again a few months ago. I tried to express my fears about this to him, but I just can’t seem to tell him directly what it exactly is that’s still bothering me. It felt that for the past half year after we’d broken up it was only me who kept wanting him and he’d never spent a second thinking about me. But he loves me now, doesn’t he? That’s what he tells me and when it comes to love I’ve no reason to question his words or feelings. Or well with anything I can’t really doubt his honesty, because I do trust him. Still this past half year still seems to bother me and I don’t really know what to do about it. What also seems to stop me from putting that smiley, is because I can’t just go happy-go-lucky about this, because of my parents. This perhaps seems a bit off if I say it like this, but let me explain this. Perhaps it would be even possible to explain it in one sentence! I’ve got Asian parents.
    No? Not clear? (No, I’m not Chinese or Japanese, but since my heritage lies in India… And India lies in Asia too; Asian parents it is!) Anyway, if I’d try to explain this better; I’m not sure if my parents would approve of the fact that I’ve already been sleeping with this guy, even before we officially had a relationship to be honest, and since I can lie about this to my parents (or ‘twist the truth’ as I like to call it), since I’ve already have done these things a million times because I know how strict they are (usually then it was about the grades and such I got in high school), but my loved one already made clear that he couldn’t lie to their faces if they’d directly ask him the same question, this does make me stress a bit and does not make me too eager for the two parties to meet each other. I always feel terrible when I lie to my parents straight in the face, but I know that after some time I’ll ‘forget’ about it and I won’t feel too bad about it anymore, since that’s the way it has always been.
  2. I’m a terrible friend. I’m not talking about how I’ve lost one of my friends a few months ago, because of arrogance, misunderstanding and pedantry, because there I’ve no regrets whatsoever about losing her, since I also don’t feel that the fault lies with me and I don’t miss her at all. When I say that I’m a terrible friend I allude to the fact how easily people can bore me and how I do like to be hang out with nice people, I don’t actually care that much about who it is I hang out with. Pretty much anyone of my friends would do. My boyfriend and my best friend are the only exceptions on this. I had more exceptions, but then it was me who got dumped and hurt by friends, so I decided to care just as little, to move on, wandering around meeting and bonding with new people and making new friends. So in the end it’s not my fault I’m ‘terrible’, I just haven’t found the right people yet (or is what le boyfriend says).
  3. Food. ‘Have I gain weight?’, ‘Should I eat this?’, ‘Oh my, I’ve eaten a lot today, haven’t I?’, ‘Am I even hungry? Then I shouldn’t eat, right?’. Should I go on? I don’t even have the energy to do so. It just sucks, trust me.

As you’ve by now reached the end of this post, I’d like to apologize for you to have read this so not-happy post, though on the other hand it’s been your own decision to do so, so to be honest I don’t feel that sorry for you. It’s entirely different from the happy SLP’s I usually supplied you with, but these are the truths; I’m happy, but I still feel as hateable as ever. I probably just need some time for this feeling to melt away (and perhaps some good coffee would do me good too. What’s this with no coffee for almost a week? It’s driving me crazy), I’ll be fine. No worries :)

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I AM: Bored

And you must be too! I mean, who’d bother to read my ‘Food Diaries’ every single day? (Ok, many people apparently, but still) When I started with it, it seemed like a good idea to me, because I wanted to capture how healthy (or unhealthy) I eat, but now that I’ve been doing it for quite some time I have to admit that it starts to bore me. Those posts just start to get more and more dull, because I don’t really care about them, so I can’t imagine that you do. There are many more interesting things happening in my life, so many more interesting thoughts and inspirations, so why would I bother wasting my time writing those ‘Food Diaries’ if I can use it to write something better??
So here’s the conclusion: No more Food Diaries!
Let’s move on to the next chapter of my Secret Little Paradise!

Food Diary: 14th of April, 2012


Food:

– One bowl of low-fat yogurt with muesli with apple and raisins
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with sardines in tomato sauce
– Rice porridge
Poffertjes with powdered sugar. Have you ever eaten, or hear of, poffertjes? It’s a Dutch treat, and they’re like mini pancakes. It’s nice to eat as a snack in between, but it could also be eaten for dinner!
– Rice with turkey, ham and green beans
– Half an apple
– A half slice of toasted whole-wheat bread with metworst
– A half slice of toasted whole-wheat bread with cumin cheese

Drinks:
– Four mugs of forest fruit tea
– One glass of orange juice
– One mug of hot chocolatemilk

Food Diary: 13th of April, 2012

Food:
– One bowl of low-fat yogurt with muesli with apple and raisins
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with meatballs and ketchup
– One half whole-wheat mini-baguette with fish
– One apple
– Fried noodles with chicken

Drinks:
– Two mugs of rooibos cinnamon tea
– One cup of orange juice
– One little package of multi fruit juice
– One glass of clear lemonade, grenadine flavour

Food Diary: 12th of April, 2012

Just another lazy day afternoon!
– McFly

I didn’t eat dinner today, because I was with a friend and well, we just forgot all about dinner, true story.

Food:
– One croque monsieur made with low-fat cheese and curry sauce
– Two slices of ontbijtkoek
– Two slices of whole-wheat bread with ham and cheese
– Two Merci: Dark Mousse. I got these from a friend, because I like the dark chocolates from the Merci-box and he doesn’t. Hehe, I like people who give me chocolate!

– A bowl of rice porridge

Drinks:
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– One little package of multi fruit juice
– One mug of green tea lemon

Food Diary: 11th of April, 2012

I always like to relax after having an exam with some friends, so that’s what we did after making the exam we had this morning. We’d planned to go on a picnic, but unfortunately the weather didn’t allow us to do so, so we stayed inside. Luckily we had cookies and lovely friends to share this day with!

Food:
– Four slices of whole-wheat bread with ham and cumin cheese
– One raisin-lemon cookie
– One sprits. It’s a Dutch kind of cookie, that’s originally from Germany.
– Rice with beans and yard long beans
– Rice porridge. Homemade by moi yesterday. As if I didn’t have enough rice for dinner already. But hey, it’s sweet! I like sweet, so that’s a good thing!

Drinks:
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– One little package of multi fruit juice
– One cup of café au lait
– Two mugs of tropical fruit tea

Food Diary: 10th of April, 2012


I feel surprisingly calm today. Instead of wondering why I am so calm, while I have a test tomorrow and I know practically nothing (no I’m not overreacting, I wasn’t feeling very well for the past few weeks), I think I’ll just enjoy this peace of mind.

Food:
– One croque monsieur made with one slice of whole-wheat bread with low-fat cheese and curry sauce
– One slice of whole-wheat bread with pom
– Homemade rice porridge with cinnamon and cranberries
– Rice with mackerel filet
– Instant noodles with bean sprouts and baked onions

Drinks:
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– One glass of orange juice
– One glass of clear lemonade, grenadine flavour
– Three mugs of tropical fruit tea

Food Diary: 9th of April, 2012


After having some good conversations with my brother and both my parents I decided that right now I actually have nothing to worry about. I was stressing out for the past couple of days, because of a test I have this Wednesday, and I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. I felt so stupid that I couldn’t remember anything I read… Al the time I’d invested was for nothing! Now I realize that it doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t worry too much about failing this test. Perhaps I’ll fail it, oh no wait, probably I’ll fail it! But who cares? I have many chances to make up for it, so why worry?
With this thought in mind I started my Easter with sleeping in until late and having a huge breakfast with my family. Perhaps I’ll watch some Korean drama, and maybe I’ll get to my studies later on. Maybe? Probably? Ah well, we’ll see. It’ll all be fine.

Food:
– One mini-baguette with pom and slices of cucumber
– Low-fat yogurt with peach, muesli with raisins and apple and mixed fruit cocktail
– Fried rice with chicken and gado gado
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with mustard cheese
– One whole-wheat mini-baguette with metworst

Drinks:
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– Two mugs of Japanese cherry green tea
– One glass of mango-soursop juice
– Two mugs of hot chocolate made with regular milk, dark chocolate cubes and a sweetener.

Food Diary: 8th of April, 2012

Food:
– One mini-baguette with pom
– A half mini-baguette with sardines in tomato sauce
– One half whole-wheat mini-baguette with pom
– Rice with yard long beans, turkey in mustard-honey sauce and ham in mustard honey sauce
– Instant noodles with beansprouts and baked onions
– Low-fat yogurt with peach, muesli with raisins and apple, and mixed fruit cocktail

Drinks:
– One mug of café au lait with soy milk and a sweetener
– Four mugs of forest fruit tea
– One mug of hot chocolate made with regular milk, dark chocolate cubes and a sweetener
– One glass of mango-soursop juice