SLP 9: Into the Rabbit Hole

28-05
‘I’m yours’. And I’m scared, incredibly scared, so these words mean the world to me. Just wait a little bit longer, so I’ll be able to give myself properly to you too.

29-05
A friend who cares enough about my well being to try to convince me to face one of my biggest fears, which is to open myself up to someone and love them

30-05
After failing a test I’d made that morning, I found myself wandering pretty lonely and uncomfortable. The attention I got from the guy I like and my best friend, even if it was just through texts and a call, meant the world to me and made the sun shine just a little bit more.
I love being loved, I believe my father was right when saying it’s the best feeling ever.

31-05
Surprise! My roommate was finally back! If only for a few hours though. I love how easy it was for me to connect with her. She made me feel very welcome and I even believe she likes me! No, I really do! She’s so nice!
31-05
Dear, sweet, kind brothers, thank you for loving me.


01-06

Exploring Rotterdam at night with my one of my dearest friends. I truly believe she’s one of the people in my life who genuinely cares about me.


02-06

Getting up early to see the sunrise at Rotterdam with my dear friend who spent the night.

02-06
View from the Euromast. It was so peaceful up there. I didn’t feel like taking pictures, I just wanted to stand still and look around. Didn’t even bother talking, I just wanted to look around with the sun shining on my face. Luckily my dear friend is very fond of taking pictures, so no credits for me for these ones :)

02-06|
DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE AT THE ROTTERDAM RAVE PARTY. Wasn’t quite sober so that might have been the reason I didn’t mind dancing on my own most of the time. Just dancing nothing more. Don’t think, just dance.

03-06
Hey, I like you, you know that?

SLP 3: See beauty, feel beauty, be beauty


16/04

Got a call and now I’ve been choosed for the room! I’m moving out! What I like about this, is that my new roommate could have chosen others beside me, but still choose me! Wow, I’m incredibly happy! Now my whole life is going to change! I’m going to be a Rotterdammer!!
16/04
I got my propeadeutics! I studied so hard for the final test and I’d been stressing out a lot, but in the end it was all worth it! Now I can’t get kicked out of this study anymore! I’m a medschool student!
16/04
My parents who hugged and congratulated me when they heard the two big things in my life.
16/04
A phonecall from a friend who stayed up with me in the middle of the night who actually wanted to talk about her worries, but still let me blab about my happiness first, because I was so excited and because she loves me she was excited for me.
17/04
Breakfast with a lovely friend who is one of the most sweetest and kindest people I know. I love how people can be so happy for you, just because they care so much.
19/04
Dancing at a party with friends. When I signed my rental contract for my new room that morning I felt like crying. I’d felt like that for almost the whole day until that night when my friends and I went out for a party and we just started to dance. It felt so good to just dance and not think about anything, not care about anything. Some times it felt like the time had stopped for a second and then started again. It felt really good.
Or I was just a bit tipsy and that’s why I felt a couple of times like time had stopped. Either way I felt awesome!
22/04 
I didn’t know what colour to choose to paint the walls of my new room with, so I just went to the store to decide on the spot. There I discovered a colour called ‘beauty’, which was a very light shade of pink. Normally I’m not too fond of pink and also my mother started to laugh at me when she saw the colour I’d chosen, but this time it was different. I choose it because of the name and not necessarily because of the colour. This colour ‘beauty’ describes perfectly how I want to live my life; with beauty. See beauty, feel beauty, be beauty. 

Secret desires of a lazy bum

Even though also today I do practically nothing but listening to music and refreshing Facebook every five minutes or so, it’s not that I don’t have anything I want to do. It’s just that what I want to do and what I should do are two way too different things, so I end up doing nothing, because I don’t want to feel guilty for having fun while actually I should eh, well yeah, do something else; something productive, something useful… *UCHE* Studying *UCHE*. Not wanting to feel guilty isn’t the only reason why I don’t even do what I want to do; my butt has already warmed my seat, I haven’t downloaded this awesome music I’m  listening to on YouTube yet to put on my mp3-player and well, sigh, apparently today I don’t even feel like coming up with more excuses, so I’ll just be honest and tell you I’m too lazy to get up and leave my seat.
Here’s what I want to do, the moment I’ll find the motivation to at least get up, that is. Otherwise I doubt I’ll get anywhere:

  • Take a walk in the park. Actually I only want to do this, because I know from previous times how much I like to do this and how much it clears my head. Something inside me tells me that if I’ll try to achieve the same thing this time by going to the park I’ll only end up being bored and the whole ‘peaceful-and-idyllic’ image I have of the park will be ruined. Not a good idea right? Let’s move on to my other secret desire.
  • Hang out with friends. With this I have almost the same pessimistic thoughts as I have with my other desire; it only seems fun in my head, but because at the moment I don’t have much to talk about and I doubt I have the concentration to pay attention to what someone else is saying, I don’t think that hanging around with others would be such a good idea.
  • Go to the beach. Unlike my first point this is a realistic option, because the last time I went to the beach was almost 2 years ago (and I was together with my first love, ah the memories! It was on the same day when we were supposed to have our first date, which I cancelled – Yes, I’m stupid, already knew that –  and in the end we just hung out with a whole bunch of people. Sadly enough it was his friend who kept flirting with me instead of himself, damn it.) so I don’t think I would get bored quickly. It’s isn’t that warm outside as I wish it would be though, so I guess in the end it would be a disappointment.
  • Party. It’s barely noon, so where would I find a party at this moment? Sometimes I do wonder how unrealistic my desires could get ~. Even so, getting all dressed up and dance with my lovely friends would seem like the most awesome thing ever.
  • Sleep. Now this would be a great idea! Sadly my bed is about 100 km away from where I am at the moment, so also this isn’t an option anymore. Perhaps I could borrow a bed from someone who lives closeby, but actually the only person I know who wouldn’t mind lending me his bed is away on a vacation. There’s also another friend who I could ask, but I already feel guilty enough for crashing at her place so often. Sleeping at her place is so lovely, but that’s the same reason why I won’t ask her unless it necessary for me to stay over so she won’t be fed up with me, hehe.
    Which reminds me, and this has nothing to do with this post but it’s something I’ve been thinking about since quite a long time (until I forgot about it, but recently it popped in my head again) and it’s about sleeping. It’s funny to notice how opinions differ on if it would be normal to sleep with someone. I started asking people ever since I began having the desire to sleep with a guy I liked, but didn’t love. Was it normal to want to sleep with someone? For the record, I’m not talking about sex or whatever, I mean just sleeping. Still, was it normal to want to do it with someone you didn’t love? Was it slutty? Though I have friends I love and who I like to hug and lay around with, it’s different than wanting to sleep with a guy.
    Someone told me it’s not weird for a girl to want to sleep with a guy, because many girls see it as sleeping with a huge real-life teddy bear, which I have to agree with. Stuffed animals are called ‘knuffels’ in Dutch and literally translated it means ‘hugs’. That’s what we want to achieve when sleeping with a stuffed animal, right; to receive and to give hugs? Only when you’re sleeping with a ‘real’ person, you would receive more than from a stuffed animal. Seems pretty logical, right?
    Another person told me it is slutty and you shouldn’t sleep with someone unless you love that person. She didn’t give me any more arguments, so it leaves me to make up reasons why it wouldn’t be right. In a way it’s quite a scary thought that as soon as I’d make the decision to sleep with someone, there would be a bunch of people judging me for it and for those I’ll have the image of slut, forever and ever.
    I still haven’t figured out what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ to do, but when adding up all of the different opinions and advices there’s only one advice I could highly agree on and which is the advice I want to try to live by:
    Do what you want to do and don’t care about what others say.
    So if I make the decision to sleep with someone (or to do something else, this isn’t just about sleeping actually. It’s about everything one could do that could make others judge them), I’ll do it because I want to, and not because someone tells me it’s right, and I’ll not not do it, because someone tells me it’s wrong. To live by the rules and opinions of others, is to live a dependent life without being able to think for myself and with many regrets afterwards.
    ‘What do I want?’ is the question I’ll ask myself from now on instead of  ‘what would they think about it?’

Though I’ve already made up my mind about what I want to do, I’m still curious about your opinions when it comes to sleeping with someone. Would you call it ‘normal’, ‘slutty’ or would you say ‘whatever!’? Let me know!

Okay, I take back what I said in the beginning from this post; actually I don’t want to do anything. I guess this is okay though, it’s not like I’m breaking any law by being lazy. Maybe if I sit down on my chair long enough I’ll start studying!
I’m proud of my optimism.