The only certainty we have in life is that one day we’ll come to die. For the rest everything that happens is uncertain; if we’ll be loved, how long we’ll get to live, if tomorrow a loved one might die or maybe next week will be the day we’ll meet our soulmate, who knows? Because everything in life is so uncertain, people have always tended to search for certainties. Some need a heaven to believe in where they go when they’ve gone, some want to believe in a God to not lose hope in happiness and with these examples there are many more ways people try to create certainties for themselves. Silly, you might call it, for these ‘certainties’ are still uncertainties as they cannot be proven. Can you really blame them though, to search for those? I don’t believe you can. Please allow everyone to keep hold on their own certainties, because without them one could feel so powerless, which in a way we all are.

So there’s nothing in this world we have control of and despite that most of the time I am satisfied with what I have, sometimes the lack of power tends to take over me too. At times of stress, when I feel powerless, useless or I feel like there’s nothing I’m able to do, I try to search for one thing that I’m able to do. Because if there’s at least one thing, there should be more, right? It’s a need, that sometimes is necessary to fulfill in order to feel powerful again and less hopeless.

Have you ever tried throwing up on purpose? If not, you couldn’t imagine how hard it is, if you have, you know what kind of satisfaction and power it can bring you. I have never thrown up food I’ve already swallowed on purpose, but what I do comes close to that and because only that already brings me the power and satisfaction that I at times need, it’s enough for me and I don’t find it necessary to go any further.
‘It’s weak to throw food up on purpose!’, ‘You’re losing yourself this way!’, ‘If one would really love their body they wouldn’t do this to it!’; these are statements ignorant people could make. Think clearly before you make them, because they’re mostly false. For one thing, it isn’t weak to do what I do, like I already stated it’s searching for control and I still believe one could not be blamed for doing so. I don’t lose myself this way, it’s rather the opposite actually. And what does loving your body have anything to do with it? Nothing.
I don’t exaggerate in what I do, so I don’t think my actions could even be called unhealthy. Control, power and satisfaction are the only things I’m searching for at those times, and that’s what I get. So even if it couldn’t be called ‘normal’ by most people, I don’t regret doing such a hard, but satisfying action.
I don’t really care about what others think anyway, especially when they draw conclusions without knowing the underlying reason.


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